Grade two

2009-10-25T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm angry and sad and bitter.
Yes, really angry and sad and bitter. My uncle just got into prison (I'm not ashamed of it). He was arrested yesterday for malicious mischief, they say "malicious mischief".

It started with a piece of land, a land he tamed for his mother's brother. All these years, he spent time farming and serving his uncle. Just when the relationship between my uncle (our family) and his uncle (his family) began to grow well, the farm began to suffer from crisis. Pests have destroyed the crops and the show was unstoppable. Years later, my uncle was arrested for malicious mischief, for destroying the crops (daw), for killing the only livelihood he had. And who sued him? His uncle who did nothing but watch him plow the fields and earn more from his labor.

He'll be in prison for three months and a half. That means, not being home with his only son for christmas and new year eves, that means not being in the cemetery for my Lolo's birthday, that means having a record of criminal offense.

I'm angry and sad and bitter because of this piece of land. Families kill one another because of this pieces of land and they forget that they are a "family" because of this pieces of land. BS!Destroying your own blood and flesh,I can't take this. I just want to s**** them all! How poor justice could be!

Say I'm biased and all,
but I'M VERY ANGRY AND SAD AND BITTER.
//_-

and sO..

2009-10-16T19:07:00.001-07:00

hUh!.

2009-10-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

ayOko nang matakot.

2009-10-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

Time: 11:22
Location: Armageddon
With: A guitar
Current mode: Inaantok. GUSTONG MATULOG PERO WALANG BAHAY.

Mahirap palang maging matakutin- hindi ka makatulog.aw?

Wala lang. Hindi ako makauwi at makatulog sa bhaus ngayon. Wala kasing tao, eh. They all went to Cebu to attend some gathering (as in, all of them, my landlord and landlady, their children, my boardmates). May event sila sa church and I'm left alone in a boarding house I'm not that comfortable to stay in.

I don't even want to entertain the thought of sleeping alone in our room after what I saw sa window the other week. (eehhhhh..creepy)//_o Now, I'm here..letting the time pass by playing with the PC keys. I wanted to play DOTA but he won't allow me to do so.hehe..I wanted to register for facebook but my interest for registering with the site has died down (tinatamad na naman uli)//_-

*sigh*

Ayoko nang matakot, gusto ko nang matulog. Anong oras na ba?11:33 na....curfew na rin pala..//_-

(na-miss ko rin ang blogosperyo, ngayon lang nakabalik ulit)

//_-

2009-09-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

hello!
wala rah..
//_-

2009-08-19T04:51:00.000-07:00

Current mode: Uneasy
Current attire: Red, checkered, longsleeves, black skinny jeans, a body bag, black slippers
Current buddy beside me: Arianne and her Ainism
Current state of mind: Semi-lost, nervous, hoping

Ok.I'm back. I fell a sleep weeks ago and haven't got the time to visit the blogosphere. How's everybody around here?

*sigh*

I went to take an exam for a position this morning and I'm still nervous to the bones. Lately, I've been wanting to give up on my current job. There are just factors that are making me want to quit. *sigh* I'm still nervous because the exam results will be released tomorrow and I doubt if I'll pass. I've been wanting the job ever since and now's the only opportunity I have. My parents wanted me to go home and take a rest for a while.*sigh*

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, hoping to qualify for it. I'm going home, I'll sleep.

//_-

//_-

2009-08-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

I'm missing the old days..i miss my friends..i miss my family..i miss the old days..//_-

minutes more.days more.

2009-07-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

It’s cold and I’m starving.
It’s 15 minutes to 12 Pm and all I want to do is to get out of this “cold” office and eat. I’m done folding the proposals for my prospective clients and I’ve printed the work sheet for the credit bureau. Later this afternoon, I ain’t reporting at 1. I’ll have to tell my boss that I’ll go out field and have my proposals on another manager’s desk (ready to be dumped and denied)*sigh*

I’m starving. I’m starving. I’m starving.

When I got into college four years ago, I came to conditioning myself of not eating breakfast. I only eat lunch and supper. Ironic because breakfast is supposed to be the most important meal of the day- I don’t eat. That’s why I’m starving, really. *sigh*.

I’m starving for food, starving for happiness with my current job, starving for a change in this job’s environment. Maybe the problem’s with me because I can’t understand people here. But, in another way, they are the ones who are teaching me to be “just amateur”, and it pains me.

Tic…
Tac…
Tic…
Tac…

Seven minutes more to go and I’m going out of this “cold” world. Days more to go and I’m going out of this “cold” world. Puppet. I am never going back.//_-

2009-07-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

Social Media Strategy

• Use social media to provide an identity to who we are and the product6s or services that we offer.

• We can create relationships using social media with people who might not otherwise know about our products and services or what the company represents.

• Social media makes us real to customers. If you want them, share your personality with them.

• Associate yourselves with peers- maybe reaching to the same market.

• Communicate and provide interaction that customers are looking for.

Blogging

Website Improvement

Press releases

• If there’s news worthy event, it could help!

MARKETING CREATIVE DESIGNS (grantastic designs.com)

1. Network etiquette/e-mail etiquette (B2B- Business 2 business)

a. Growing, evolving behavior model for how to present oneself and represent one’s company when networking online. It is for this group that etiquette plays the most crucial part. The slightest improper behavior online can ruin a good business opportunity.

b. Build relationship with no offense.

2. When sending mail:

a. Fight the urge to be creative. Be simple.

b. Keep it punctual.

c. Watch your tone.

d. Size matters.

e. Use discretion.

• Requesting reciprocal links.

• Asking for free advice.

• Graphic design.

PSYCHOLOGY OF COLOR: Projecting professional image with color.

1. Color emphasis and highlights leads the eye to important points or links.
2. Color identifies recurring themes.
3. Conversely, color can differentiate, such as different colors in pie charts and bar graphs.
4. Color symbolizes and triggers emotions and associations.

COLOR:
• Red- Loss
• Yellow- Important, substantial
• Blue- reliable, corporate
• Green- profit
• Cyan- cool, subdued

CORPORATE IDENTITY

• MARKETING, CORPORATE BRANDING AND CORPORATE IDENTITY MARKETING

**waaAAhh..nosebLeed na q sa mga terms- terms i get to handle and read and think on implementing everyday..//_-

Coin POT!//_^

2009-07-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

I went to shop for a coin bank last night. It was a big deal- finding the “perfect” coin bank, really. J Since I was on the goal of having a coin bank that I wouldn’t be able to open until it’s full, I found it hard to decide which to buy. *sigh*

Stalls, stalls and stalls… I went to every stall, window-shopped for the coin bank and found a flower pot. Yes, a flower pot. It was a green flower pot with three holes in the bottom. It caught my attention and the shopping for the “perfect” coin bank turned into shopping for the “perfect” coin pot.

Shopping could sometimes be weird, blissfully weird.

I bought the flower pot instead of the many coin banks displayed on that store. Well, I hope saving would be effective this time. It’s odd to have a flower pot for a coin bank. It’s interesting, though.

I already have coins in my new coin pot, my problem now is, the pot cover. //_^

love and like.

2009-06-29T17:13:00.001-07:00

Now I’m here. Now I’m working and it’s different.

I happened to receive a call from a manager yesterday. The voice was obviously busy on the other line. He was looking for “Mimi” and I connected his line to her. When Mimi got the call, he asked if it’s “Jane” on the line. He told Mimi that who he was looking for was Jane and not her. He dropped the line and called my cord again. Then he said:

“Are you Carla? I was looking for Jane, not for Mimi!”

“Sir? You told me you were looking for Mimi and not for Jane.”

“No, I was looking for Jane. Not Mimi.”

“Ok, Sir. If you were indeed looking for Jane and not for Mimi, I’ m sorry for giving you to the wrong line.”

“Sorry, sorry. It’s always sorry! Ok, connect me to Jane.”

“Ok, Sir. Wait for a while.”

I was about to tell him that I am not the receptionist and it’s not my job to answer the phone. He’s not my boss and he does not have any right to treat me that way.
Geez..thank God I’m good to old people (hehe).

It’s really different now. Now that I got my own work, own responsibility, own table, own computer, own boss, own manager, own everything- I ain’t that happy.
 What happened yesterday was another thing that made me unhappy. I don’t know why. Being scolded is ok but being treated unprofessionally does no good at all. Geez...Hate saying these things. Really.

I’m contented. Yes, I am.

But, do you know how it is to love and like?

//_-

//_-

2009-06-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

there's blood inside my heart.

there' something bleeding, ain't worth the pain.

confusion strikes...

i'm barely breathing.

//_-

aGain.

2009-05-10T00:13:00.000-07:00

Remembering everything, about my world and when you came.
I miss you… but, there’s no point of turning back.
I loved you… but, there’s no use of getting there anymore.
Now, tears fill my eyes- sadness fill my heart in gloom
Because I want you back but I shouldn’t
Because I want you to take care of me but you couldn’t
Because you’ve become yourself and forgot about me
Because I’ve got cuts you couldn’t see
Because I’ve got wounds you couldn’t anymore heal.
Because you brought me all these,
These pains are from you.
Because these tears are for you, these tears- you gave to me.
I’m returning what’s yours now,
And I would not look back.
You don’t seem to find yourself,
You don’t seem to find me.
So now, we’re bidding goodbye.
For the many smiles you shared to me,
For the butterflies that used to live in my stomach,
Thank you.
This time, maybe I should walk in the rain…
…alone.

Goodbye angel.//_-

PUPPET!

2009-05-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

Now feeling: *irritation*
Now pouring: *rain*
Now valuing: *respect*
Now mumbling:*ampon*

I’m irritated.

I hate people who don’t know how to respect other people- especially those who do not have any slight respect for girls. What the…puppet*sigh*…

Just minutes ago, I went out of the publication office to use the comfort room. I must have trusted my instincts. There are guys doing the construction thingy somewhere in the campus and they were hanging out near the comfort rooms when I went out. Yes, I must have trusted my instincts- yes, I must have not passed by there, must have not passed by where they were standing. Pero, masyado nang malayo if I’ll pass on the other way, so, wala 'kong choice kundi dumaan sa harap ng mga ‘mamang’ ‘yun. Nakakainis isipin na mukha na silang mga nakakatanda mong kapatid at tatay (no, I actually don’t think they would be compatible to be compared with my father and my brothers. Hindi ako magagawang bastusin ng mga kapatid at tatay ko..sa age comparison lang). Nakakainis isipin na wala ka namang ginagawang masama sa kanila. Nakakainis dahil wala silang magawa sa kanilang mga buhay kundi mangialam sa ibang tao na para bang ngayon lang sila nakakita ng babae. Puppet.Paano kasi, walang pumapansin sa kanila..kainis.(sorry Lord, nakakainis lang talaga)…puppet.

Can’t those people learn how to respect? Why do they have to act like they weren’t taught to respect other people, especially girls? Aren’t they even thinking of the possibility na baka hindi rin i-respeto ng ibang tao ang kanilang mga ina?mga kapatid na babae?mga asawa?mga anak? How selfish of them. I’m sad for them- they did not learn how to respect people. How sad, how bad. Very sad, very bad.

I know I shouldn’t be wasting my time about this, but I just can’t hide how irritated I am with those people. Puppet. I just hate how they treat girls. Puppet. Puppet.I hope it rains. Hard. Endless.

//_- .

aLah lang.

2009-04-29T02:00:00.000-07:00

and now, waLA na akong masulatan kasi ubos na'ng papEL q..'yan..p-draw2 pah kasi ng hearts..

alAh lang..
//_6

sakit ai.

2009-04-29T00:12:00.000-07:00

sumasakit likod ko..

sumasakit mga paa ko..

sumasakit puso ko..

//_-

imOTicuN.

arthritis.

2009-04-28T19:17:00.000-07:00

so..okay..nandito na naman ang arthritis na 'to..fine..kumikirot ang mga binti ko..
cge..sanayin mo ang mga ugat na 'tong mamanhid sa kirot..nakakainis..

bata pah q..

bata..

//_-..

shooting star.//_-

2009-04-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

nada.so.sAd. =(

So many times you've hurt me.So many times you've fooled me.But you'll be doing it again.So many times we've spent in.Too many lives we've been in.But you're doing it again.To me the nights have fallen.The lights are on and off again.Is there a chance that you won't die.Won't die, with me tonight?.Like a shooting star to where you are.Are we too late am I too soon?.You'll make it through you've gone too far.Will you ever be my star?.I'm holding on to nothing.No reason worth for living.I'm calling out to you.If it's the only way to keep you.Then I don't want to break you.I'm losing grip again.With you the nights have fallen.The lights are on and off again.Is there a chance that you wont die.Won't die, with me tonight?.Like a shooting star to where you are.Are we too late am I too soon.You'll make it through you've gone too far.Will you ever be my star?.You're a shooting star to where you are.Are we too late am I too soon.You'll make it through you've gone too far.Will you ever be my star?.Will you ever be my star?.You're walking away.I'll be seeing you through a satellite.If you go.Then I'm walking away..

//_-..

CUTE without ‘E’.

2009-04-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

You walk down the streets
and no one hears you screaming
Your heart’s been battered
and yet, you’re still smiling
You can’t tell your friends,
they wouldn’t mind
Because even if you talk,
they won’t understand
Now, you chose to be alone
but you hear them yelling
That you are a loner
and you are, but nothing
What would you do now?
Cover your eyes with the melody,
heal yourself from shame
Cry, cry, cry…
You’ve got nothing to do…
You’re alone in this world
and they won’t go back to you
Scream, scream, scream…
You’ve got no chance to be understood
Because you’re a loner
and forever you would
Now, you have nothing
but your music on
Because they left you hanging
all by your own
Bid goodbye to this cruel world loner,
It’s not for you to stand,
but for you to leave.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Where do you run to?"

//_-..

gOOd morning!

2009-04-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

i'm awake.

//_^..

edna mae.

2009-04-22T11:25:00.001-07:00

And I miss her so much…

Two nights ago, I was acting so childish that I, myself could not believe I acted that way. I don’t care what you will say or how you will react about this but I cried so hard. Yes, I cried so hard that I tried to cover my mouth- trying my best not to let any sound come out from my mouth because I don’t want to wake Yan2 up. Like, hello? It’s near 1 in the morning and I don’t want to disturb people just because I couldn’t sleep and I miss someone so much.

I miss Edna Mae so much.

I miss my friend so much.

I miss Nanay so much.

The feeling came so suddenly that I couldn’t help but cry. So childish, I know. But, do you know that feeling? When you suddenly want to see the person and you can’t do anything? It’s depressing, really. =(

But, I was not able to help it. I was not like that before and I just came home on Easter Sunday. Sometimes, it could really be the connection between us that makes me want to hug her. I wanted her to hug me; I wanted her to hug me while I was crying. I know that when she cradles me in her arms, like a baby, I’d stop crying. I wanted to tell anybody (promise, anybody jud pra mkuhaan ang kmingaw) that time that I miss Nanay so much and that I wanted to see her. I wanted someone to help me see her. (I know, t’was impossible and it’s crazy.)

I texted and she haven’t texted back. I texted again and there was no reply. Thank God, He gave her load yesterday- she gave me a beep and I felt better. Well, not really that better because I still wish to see her and she said she’ll come if she has time- when she’s done with a lot of things in school.

And still, I miss Edna Mae so much.

//_-

i miss my kaduGo..//_-

2009-04-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

i miss these crazy beings..
(at Sidlakang Negros- Dawn,Hannah, Arianne,Cathy and Donna)

i miss the way they smile in the camera with me..

(t2 janfiL,norieL,cathY,doNNa,mOmmy behY,greTch and me during our shoot for the shoRt fiLm)

i miss the way we frown..

(an intErview with mR.F..hehe)

i miss the outings we used to have..
(vaLencia)
(valencia)
(eL caminO)
(zamboanguitA)

(zamboanguita)

i miss the "kabuang"..

(yanz, cathY, norieL and i..)
(pgka-maRie dawN!)
i miss the overnights at Donna's house..

i miss these moments..
(wiTh dibid!)

(wedding ni norieL and bEa during the CAS day..=))
(an ordinAry schOOl day aftErnoon..pictuRe2)
< wHen pah kya itO mauuuLit?=(

i'm trying my best not to realize this- but hell,"i'm missing you all"..=(

enGagement: So, would you wear the ring?

2009-04-22T08:37:00.001-07:00

Now Playing: ‘Mad’ by Ne-Yo

Aw? I remember someone with this song. Someone who’s in the middle of confusion now..hehe..(sorry na gud someone).

I have a friend who is in a labyrinth now. Yes, indeed a labyrinth where she’s trapped in love, friendship and dreams (chax!). She’s got somebody right now who offers her lifetime engagement. As in, LIFETIME partnership. She’s still a college student and she’s confused of what to do. When she accepts the ring, her partner will not anymore allow her to come back here in Dumaguete to continue schooling. He wants that she’d continue to study in their place. When she told me the possibility of being engaged one of these days, I could not help but laugh. She asked what my reaction would be when she tells me she’s engaged. Well, I extended my warmest congratulations. =) (what else can I offer? I was happy thinking of her being engaged).

My congratulation was a bit earlier though. She said that the engagement was just a possibility and that; she’s still confused of what to do. According to her, she really wanted to accept the engagement offered- dying to be engaged actually, but a part of her ‘daw’ wants to come back and continue her studies here and she thinks she’s got direction here than there. Aw? Yah, she said that she loves her friends more than she loves the guy. Now, she doesn’t know what to do.At the on-set, she said that she wants to fix everything in her life here- with no one around to trouble her and influence her decisions.

It indeed is a hard thing to decide on. Love or yourself? Your love or your life’s direction? (haaiiz..bakit kasi iibig-ibig pa, naguguluhan tuloy).. When you choose love, be sure to be ready for anything that goes with it (anything, as in from loosing your friends –depende- to loosing yourself-most of the time). It is because according to many, when you chose to love, the feelings are unexplainable. It could be very painful or could be very useful to you. Love has got lots of reasons for it to be worth fighting for; yet, it also has too many reasons to be forgotten. What if you get hurt? What if he/she leaves you in the middle of everything? What if he/she fails you when you already had given up everything for him/ her? Wouldn’t it be sad to just realize things when you already do not have the power and the capacity to turn everything and everyone back to ‘normal’?

On the contrary, love can also give you everything you ever wanted- security, comfort, name all nice things. Love can give it to you. It can even have people stare in your heart-shaped eyes. Love can also be an advantage. When you’re in loved, they say you can do all the wonderful things. You’d even smile without having the reasons to, because when you are in loved, you don’t recognize pain. Never will you even consider the possibility of pain because you are happy. Happy. Yes, that’s it. Love gives you happiness.

But, what will you do when you’re torn between love and your own point of happiness? Well, I suggest you weigh things. In the end, it is still you who will be facing the consequences and it’s you who will be dealing with them. When confusion reigns over your decisions, I don’t think that would be healthy. You need to give time to yourself- think of the possibilities and never hesitate to ask friends for their opinions. You ask them. In one way or another, asking is not following.=) At least you have opinions to think over while weighing things and possibilities.

Think, think, think. There’s nothing wrong with thinking anyway. In the end, it’s you who will decide what to do with your life. People are just there to help you out and design the events in your worldly existence.

Someone, think. So, there's the ring. Would you wear it?

//_^

aww?..far-out ning pagk-post..g-yawyaw..hehe..sorry na gud..

i want them.. =(

2009-04-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

These are NUN dolls I have seen on the internet (http://www.catholichomeandgarden.com/nun_dolls.htm#GALLERY). They are real, beautiful dolls and I want to have some of them for my own. Too bad, I still don’t have the dada to buy one… = (

They're cute, aren't they?

//_^..

a religious sister..//_-

2009-04-22T06:51:00.000-07:00

Ang pagiging madre ba ay talagang mahirap? Mahirap kayang magdasal buong araw sa loob ng monasteryo kasama ang kapwa madre? Mahirap ba talaga ang buhay na wala ka nang iintindihin kundi ang pagsilbihan Siya ng buo mong pagkatao (like your whole life, whole heart, whole time)? Is being a religious sister really that hard? Wala lang…just a thought.

Just the other day, I and a friend went to church. We were talking about praying, “dagkot” and those kind of stuffs when she suddenly pointed a woman to me. She said that the woman is an old maid who goes to church everyday- praying, staying there for hours. She told me that the woman was her auntie’s (who is a religious sister in Spain for more than ten years now) acquaintance. According to Caroline, her auntie told her that the woman wanted to be a religious sister, but because she’s already old, she can’t anymore have her papers processed.

I was staring at the woman- her face could pass for a nun, so innocent-looking with her age. The wrinkles on her face showed no sign of discontentment, but only of pure aging. I don’t know the woman but, in my own view of her physique, she could well pass for a nun. If only she had not been old enough to enter the convent. If only she had figured out that she doesn’t have plans of marrying, then she could have been in the convent by now- praying, facing her everyday life with the contentment of eternal service, having her head bald after saying the ‘solemn vows’.

Here’s an article from the net about how a woman becomes a religious sister:

“When a woman enters a convent she first undergoes an initial period of testing the life, known as postulancy, for a period of six months to a year. If she, and the order, determines that she may have a vocation to the life, she receives the habit of the order (usually with some modification to distinguish her from professed nuns) and undertakes the novitiate, a period (that lasts one to two years) of living the life of a nun without yet taking vows. Upon completion of this period she may take her initial, temporary vows. Temporary vows last one to three years, typically, and will be professed for not less than three years and not more than six. Finally, she will petition to make her "perpetual profession", taking permanent, solemn vows”.

I have been thinking of how hard it is to be a religious sister. I am wondering of the life they have in the cloister. What do they do when they are there? Are they just praying the whole day? What do they eat? Are they allowed to use the telephone? The computers? Are they allowed to see their families? Are their lives still as normal as our lives? (aw?sorry na gud sisters).

These religious sisters have made the years in the convents. They have spent life without seeing half of the world. They have stayed inside their monasteries without seeing the people they have been used to seeing everyday of their "ordinary" lives. I think that the life that a religious sister has is very challenging. Not only because she is prohibited to things that people outside the convents are in to, but also because when a woman decides to enter the monastery, her faith is tested. I say that a woman who chooses to answer their calling of becoming a religious sister is brave- braver than any other woman in this material world.

There are only a few who devotes their whole life serving the Lord. There are only a few who could stand life inside the convent. There are only a few who could bravely enter the convents without- of course, turning back.

Well, just a thought...
Can I?..

//_-..

_______________________________________________________________________________________

NOTES:

"A Nun is a woman who has taken special vows committing her to a religious life.[1] She may be an ascetic who voluntarily chooses to leave mainstream society and live her life in prayer and contemplation in a monastery or convent. The term "nun" is applicable to Roman Catholics, Eastern Christians, Anglicans, Lutherans, Jains, Buddhists, and Taoists, for example. While in common usage the terms nun and sister are often used interchangeably, properly speaking a nun is a female religious who lives a contemplative life of prayer and meditation within a monastery while a sister (in the Christian religions) lives an active vocation of service to the needy, sick, poor, and uneducated."

"Nuns properly so-called have solemn vows with a strict enclosure, regulated by pontifical law which prevents the religious from going out (except in very rare cases, approved by the regular superior and the bishop), and also the entrance of strangers, even females, under pain of excommunication. Even admission to the grated parlor is not free, and interviews with regulars are subject to stringent rules. Though some mitigations have been introduced partly by local usage, partly (in the case ofcertain convents in America) by express concession of the Holy See. The building should be so arranged that the inner courts and gardens cannot be overlooked from outside, and the windows should not open on the public road".

______________________________________________________________________________________

"Hard siguro talaga maging madre".//_-

think.weigh.think.

//_-

uuwi na naman..

2009-03-25T18:45:00.001-07:00

uuwi na naman ako..haiiiz...

//_-

EMERy.

2009-03-02T19:59:00.000-08:00

All I want is to feel this way, to be this close, to feel the same- that if he speaks, the feeling stays. Nothing’s so loud. The truth is not kind and you said, neither am I…but the air outside so soft- it’s confusing everything…everything…nothing’s so cold…it’s closing the heart when all we mean is to feed the soul. But we wouldn’t be that brave, I know. And it won’t matter now, whatever happens to me. It won’t trouble me.

But, I’m happy for you. I wish nothing but the best for you both.

She thinks she missed the train tomorrow; she’s out back counting stars. Promise me, you will be there until the red light would change. Promise me, you will stare until the darkness will fade…I’d wait for you. A mistake and I’m all on my own by myself…I’d wait for you…

So, tears drop in my eyes…tonight, you are everything. You’re everything to me. No more as I wake from this perfect dream, I cannot live this life. And to think that you will not be scared or surprised, I’ve suffered all this time. This is the end. I feel so numb to see this bitter end. It has come to be one last kiss, look at me as well. This is the end. I’ve lost myself in my quest for tonight. How we’ve come this far…

Can’t you see that I wanna’ be there with open arms? It’s empty tonight and I’m all alone…get me thru this one. Do you notice? I’m gone. Where do you run to? So far away… I want you to know that, I miss you…I miss you so. I’m writing again this letters to you, on how much I know. But, I’m not sleeping and you’re not here- that stabs my heart. You can say I knew it all along.

- tHis is the resUlt of compiling lyrics from sOngs na pinakinggan ngUnit hindi naman tinaTapos..asHishi.

//_-.

bYe emery.

"I'LL SCREAM WITH YOU!"

2009-02-28T02:28:00.000-08:00

you can't imagine how this hurtS..how torn apart my mind has become..
i need to spare myself from this endless tears..i no longer want to look into the mirror,i'm tired of being strong..do you ever feel so alone?your existence goes unnoticed..yes, i'm talking about myself, i'm not afraid to say i'm tired of impressing you..have you ever rebelled against everything you believed?..this needs to be..for me i need to fix this broken, this broken heart...

one day, rejection will be off my doorstep, and your eyes will be filled with passion that pumps through my veins..and fall from my eyes..
you are my demise..and though it kisses my heart, i am still broken..

//_+..

MINGAW NA Q SA multiply..

2009-02-24T23:11:00.000-08:00

JULIEAN:
A baby’s story

I am Julien and this is my life story.

My mom studies in a girl’s school and my dad’s into aircraft thingy. I am never really sure how old mom and dad are now, but I heard Gran shouting “You two 18-year olds! Come back here and feed Juliean!”

Well, they really don’t have enough time for me. I wouldn’t even be able to recognize that Julia is my mom if not for Granny always reminding her to feed her baby called Juliean. I would not be able to recognize my dad (Jerkin) if I never heard Julia call him “stupid”. In one way or another, I suppose that’s how lovers call each other nowadays. I can see it on TV; can hear it even from our neighbor’s mouth when she gets into a fight with her drunkard husband. I wonder, is this how bad the world is?

I was born on July 12th of the year I do not know. I came out of Julia’s womb after fighting the pills she took when I was still seven months old. When Julia drank those pills, it was raining acid inside her tummy and I almost drown. But, I thought: “Mom’s just trying to give me a shower, maybe this is how spa is outside. I love mommy so much.” Julia kept on taking tablets and I kept avoiding them when they started to burn my thin skin. One day, the pills did not only burn my skin, they melt into acids that flowed directly to my eyes. I felt my pupils dilate and the nerves were burning. Still, I thought: “Mommy loves me, she just happened to take the wrong pill, she won’t hurt my eyes for I am her angel.”

While Julia was taking all the seemingly wrong pills, my dad Jerkin is busying himself with other girls and drug sessions. One night, as I lay sleeping in Julia’s womb- so dark and disheartening, Jerkin came to the house and started shouting. Afterwards, both of them were screaming, cursing each other because I was created. Words of hatred and pride and blame- I was awaken in curiosity. “You decided for this, you alone!” Julia screamed. “You decided with me! Don’t give me all the blame,” Jerkin reasoned out.

I tried to go back to sleeping but my dear Julia and Jerkin were so noisy they make me nervous. Until granny woke up or so as I could hear from the walls of Julia’s tummy, “STOP that arguing you two. You’re waking everybody in town. You, Jerkin, go home and grab sleep. You, Juliana, get to bed because your baby needs sleep.”

Granny was my heroine- thanks to her I could now sleep. As she goes out of the room, the breeze coming in from outside the window carries her murmur of disappointment and despair. Granny was so disappointed with her only daughter, Julia, who got unexpectedly pregnant at 16, when she was only starting her Nursing degree. She was in despair of being a mother to a daughter who just cared for her when she needs money, money and nothing else. She was in despair for being a mother who had never predicted of her child to be pregnant at such a young age. She was in total despair of losing the dreams, not for herself but for Julia to the extreme. She was disappointed because she loses her Julia, she doesn’t know her anymore.

Anyway, you may not fully understand why my Granny, Julia, Jerkin and I came to this point. Let me tell you how I came to being. Not of course the scientific explanation of two cells uniting, I’m still in Kindergarten and things like these are supposed to be discussed in elementary.  Well, let me start Julia and Jerkin’s “lOOoove” story.

When Julia entered college, she never had plans to get herself involved in any relationship. She plans to go abroad when she finishes a degree in Nursing and petition granny for migration. Julia was expected to become somebody in college for she was a class valedictorian. Jerkin, on the other hand is a 16-year old spoiled brat who according to Julia, only depends on my governor grandpa.

One day, in a Bio (what do you mean by Bio? I’ve only heard this story from Granny) class, Jerkin was trying to impress the teacher when Julia blocked him from bragging. This started their irritations of each other and you know, irritations always end to attractions. So puppy love. They fell in love and were lured with worldly things. And poof! I was created- born into this world with physical disabilities, came out with the pupils of my eyes dilated, my skin has burn-like traces from the acids Julia was taking way back. When I came out, Julia was again, for the nth time around, cursing my birth.

Julia, my teenage mom, was wishing for my life to end when it hasn’t even really started yet. She couldn’t accept me for being a “monster”. Julia always called me that- a monster.

Jerkin on the other hand, says that I’m the biggest mistake he has ever made. He says that I’m the second dirtiest trash next to Julia. *sigh* my dad’s a jerk, too, I suppose. However, I love him. I love both of them and I’m going to love them forever.

Even if Julia resorted to abortion and even if Jerkin never cared for me, I still am their baby. I am Juliean.

Despite my disabilities, despite the results of my parents’ lust or too much “love” for each other, I still am lucky to be born in this world.

I am Juliean and this is my life story.

='(

2009-02-24T23:02:00.000-08:00

Are we ok?

I really wish we are.

No, pray we are rather.

These past few days, we’ve never been together-
never saw each other, even just a glance.

Is something wrong?

We’re ok, you said.

But, I can feel we are not.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just over-reacting with things...
with the coincidences.

I saw you a while ago but,
you were not looking back.

I was about to call you but...

*sigh*

The month’s almost over,
I hope you mind.

//_x

my three-month old cOugh (bow)

2009-02-22T00:04:00.000-08:00

Congratulations!
Tama nga siguro ang mahal kong kapatid, wala na akong lungs..perwisyong ubo ‘to..ayaw akong tigilan…grrrrrRrr…

According to my sisterette froglet na may-ari ng site na “princessfroglet.blogspot.com”, wala na raw akong “L”..as in “lungs”. Pero sabi ko, “Hindi ah..nakakahinga pa nga ako eh..kailangan ko lang magpa-overhaul”..aww?hehe..

Kainis na ubo to..parang ayaw akong tigilan, tinigilan ko na naman sana siya ah..*sigh* I had this cough last year, before the founder’s week in November. Nawawala naman siya, paminsa-minsan. There would be times when I’d be happy kasi feel ko wala na akong ubo..haiiizzz..pagkagising ko sa umaga, nandiyan na naman ulit.. uminom na ako ng kalamansi, ng sinecod at kung anu-ano pang gamot..kainis, walang nangyayari, lalo lang lumalala.

Inaamin ko naming pasaway ako-inom nang inom ng malamig kahit pinapagalitan na ng marami. Eh? Mainit eh..hehe..sorry na ha..pinipilit ko namang iwasan ang sparkle at lift, sila lang ang ayaw akong layuan..awww?

*sigh* In all ways, nakaka-djahe na ang ubong ‘to..puppet! naiirita na ‘ko sa’yo, UBO!

Huhu..tigilan mo na akO!

to these rainmates.

2009-02-18T20:54:00.000-08:00

Thanks for walking with me.
When it rains, my heart is happy. I feel human- human with all the things around me, human with all the weird things in this world. When it rains, I’m alive. Despite the cold breeze it brings and the heavy drops of water that fall on the rooftops, the rain had always been my bestfriend, my comforter.

When it rains, I know the people who would be there for me all throughout. I’d always love to walk and be with these people who would not stop me from crying and laughing under the thunder, under the lonely, crying sky. When the water pours hard, I can’t help but think of these people- these people who have been with me under the rain. Walking with them under the angry sky, facing the fierce wind with them holding my hand- those were always the happiest days of my life.

Now, before the sky decides to stop its tears from falling, I wanted to thank the people who have walked with me under heaven’s cold but comforting tears.

To this emo guy:

“thanks for the walks, for the songs, for the love and the heart. We might not be together every hour, every minute. We might not be as sweet as the other loving twins at heart. We might not ring each other everytime. I might not know everything about you and you, about me. We might not always stick to each other at the roads like what people expect us to do. But… we both know that we are not that strong to leave each other alone.//_^We both know that when they ask who we are in each other’s lives, the answer is plain. (she is mine, he is mine)We both know that our hearts are each others’ fragile pieces and that it should be well taken care of. We both know that at the end of the day, I would always know where to find you and you would always know where I’m at. And even though they see we’re not like them, worry-free for we both know that it’s still us- that we are still one. You told me once that my reason of walking in the rain is vague; that I chose not a shoulder to cry on but the rain to wash away my tears, instead. But, despite this, you have never forbidden me to walk under it again. This time, we both do and I’m sure, we always would. And when I asked how you’d fell in love, your chinky eyes smiled and then you said: “I saw you walking in the rain one day and i went with you. That’s how it all started”… I wanted you to know that I am a lot thankful because you came, that even before I finished telling you my story, my fall, you already spread your wings and flew with me to the highest sky…//_^ you ought to know: I love the rain because I know I’ll be with you.

To these rainmates:

You know who you are. 

Remember when we never cared of the world around us? When we danced and sang in front of the Admin building and we never cared if they stared? When we were shouting and singing our hearts out because we didn’t have plans to sleep? When we were laughing out loud because we don’t know the lyrics? When we were singing at dawn? I love you guys and you ought to know that you are among those people I couldn’t keep secrets from. You understand why I always ask the heavens to cry, you understand despite my disabilities, my flaws. Though at times we contradict, we still hook with each other. I hope nothing changes soon because I would never find people like you again.

I couldn’t say these things to you in person so, I’m writing it out. (Sorry na gud..sa makabasa ra..most of us btaw naa blog..hehe..kabalo btaw moh nga koug tah ato gapa-ulan,gkanta2,naninda kape..hehe..) I can’t explain why I could not thank you in person..my rainmates? Thank you for the memories. We never know when it will happen again- maybe, days or years from now. Maybe, not anymore. But, this is for sure; you are those people I’d always love to be in the rain with. You make my heart smile.

To this “judge”:

Nan..judge bah moh..hehe..Nada..seriously, I wanted to say that I am very grateful of the opportunities I had with you under the rain (though you always question the use of my hoodies because you bring jackets for me, buluyagon man gud q…//_^) and you are used to that, I suppose.

Thanks for the talks, for the walks, for the laughs. Thanks for being one of my crying shoulders, for being someone who’d cry about my worries when I myself couldn’t drop a tear. When I fall, I know you’d be there to catch me and bring my sanity back.. (ahem..drama au..sorry na gud)..but, these are all true and you can’t stop me from thanking you.

You ought to know that even if I don’t say these things to you when we’re face to face, you’ve been one of a kind- someone I know I could always count on. Despite the changes, know that I’m still the same. I might not keep the promises I’ve made but, mind that I’m here and will always be- with or without the pinkie fingers. //_^

To this tTa cLassmate:

Hi tta cath!..aww? (gihinganlan?..hehe)..

Well, remember when you said that we’re like orphans with no houses and no food to eat? When it’s already 9 in the evening and we’re both wet from walking in the rain? (tripping gud lamang). We were sitting outside the bookstore with the dog shit, the pouring rain and our empty pockets. That was one of the most memorable “rain trips” I had.

Sooner, we won’t see each other anymore so allow me to make some “emotes” here. Well, we’ve known each other for almost four years now and we’ve never changed or so I think. We’re still friends, “power rangers”?hehe.. Thanks for the understanding, the patience, the scolding and everything. Thanks for the “lending”…//_^

This list is not complete yet..to be continued…awww? Emote2 rah sah gud..

puppet, insomnia na ni!..

2009-02-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

(These were all written because I’m having insomnia- I can’t sleep)

It’s 2:05 AM un counting and I got the lamp shade on. My roommates Ritch and Marjorie are sleeping and yeah, I’m awake. My eyes won’t close and I’m excited to take a shower. My back is aching but I don’t want to go to bed because it will only add to the pain. I can’t explain ho this ‘insomnia’ is connected to the bottle of “LIFT” I took four hours ago, but my ‘something’ (don’t know if it’s my brain or my instinct) tells me that this has got something to do with the lemon drink. I was intending to jot down the messages on my inbox so I might be bale to delete those sweet thoughts without forgetting the senders. *sigh* But now, I’m finding myself scribbling about what is happening to me at 3 in the morning.

The lampshade clock says it’s 2:34 AM and I got 3:13 on my phone. I have on the table a pair of scissors; a cup of water I emptied minutes ago; my dilapidated notepad; the cellphone charger; our malfunctioning rice cooker; cords and connectors of the video cam; the press ID my boardmate, Ritch used during our seminar-workshop in journalism; my sisterette Arianne’s Tupperware; the belt bag I borrowed (snatched, actually) from my dad last December; a lighter; and a bread crumb..

While I’m writing these things down, I’m also thinking of things that would lull me to sleep. I don’t know- thinking of sleeping pills but I ain’t had one. This “graduation’ thing on March peeks out of my head, I had always dreamt of wearing the “toga” and the graduation cap- but now that I’m almost at the end, I want to go back to elementary. While many are fussing about their businesses at the Registrar’s Office, I just pass by them everyday since January.

‘I don’t feel like being graduated’, I always say that to people. It’s true- I’d always want to go to school, be with my classmates and friends, be with TN, be with the closest treasures I have – be with the people I love most in this university. On March, everything’s going to change. I’ll think of what to do after March 13 and honestly, up to now, I can’t imagine that day coming. *sigh*

What am I going to do outside the university? I ain’t confident of facing the real world for I know it’s harsh there. Call me a coward, for EscapeTheFate’s sake, I know I am. *sigh* I knew it. This is what insomnia brings to me- depression.

Yeah, I’m depressed. Depressed of myself not processing my application for graduation…depressed of myself not planning what to do after March…depressed of myself imagining life (almost everyday life) without seeing them anymore…depressed of myself thinking of not seeing “those” eyes anymore.

There are a lot of things I’m depressed of… and I absolutely got myself on the list. Why am I afraid to leave people behind?to be departed from the people I’m already used to live my life with almost everyday? Why am I afraid to carry “just” my memories of them? Why am I afraid to go out? It’s 3:32 AM and it’s the first time in months that I had the courage to write these kept fears, this kept and heavy sadness *sigh*

I wanted to cry but save me from the eyebags. ='( I’m going to drink another bottle of “LIFT” tomorrow, so by the next day, I could prove that this “puppet” insomnia has got to do with it.

03:36 AM
FEB. 3, '09
*sigh*

lost//_-

2009-01-06T05:50:00.000-08:00

I’ve been lost and I think I still am.

For months now, I’ve been trying my best to find that “something” missing in me. I’m complete in your eyes, physically healthy and emotionally stable- I guess. For months now, I’ve been trying to find where I really am to fit. I ain’t good in writing and everyone knows that I’m a great procrastinator- the type you never wanted to be your assignment partner because I’d be more tempted to stay in bed than to jot down the questions for our group works.

I’m not ashamed to admit these things because it’s true and I’d be more willing to accept if you add to these negativities I’m telling about myself (at its best, I know you notice me). I’ve been struggling to find my purpose (aside from being a “dakilang emotera” kuno) in this place. I know I got my family; I got my friends who will always be appreciative of whoever I am and whatever I might become. But, in the deepest recesses of my entity, I am nothing, nothing, and a whole damn of nothingness. I couldn’t find who I really am, except for the fact that I am this girl who walks to school with her earplugs on and head bowed down, this girl who keeps acquaintances by smiling at them even if she doesn’t know their names, this girl who likes to write things on her shoes when she couldn’t tell anyone she’s sad, this girl who messes with her pants by writing the inks on. Yes, this girl who gets her eyes swelling with dew when things go awfully wrong, this girl who has never learned from tardiness, this girl who likes her Vans tattered and unwashed− yes, this girl whom people may know a lot but doesn’t even know herself (it’s just funny to be an alien to oneself).

Up to date, I don’t know what my purpose is in this place. What could be my purpose to other people? Am I of any worth? Because I find myself so lame, so invalid, so disabled. Even the simplest things, I can’t perfectly do and I’m ashamed of myself− ashamed of every piece of my being, not because I do not like what God has made me into, but ashamed because I couldn’t find that self He has let me become. There’s just something I couldn’t do and I couldn’t become. I'll be left here and i don't know until when, until when i'll be lost.

:(

i think i'm losing you..

2009-01-05T22:06:00.000-08:00

yah..i think i'm losing you?why?you seem to be someone i don't know anymore...where has the old simple guy gone?where has everything i love about you gone? where are you?

where were you when i needed you the most?..where were you?

:(

.hypoChondria.

2008-11-25T20:53:00.000-08:00

-//_- so sick

HaAHaaayy..nandito na naMan ang mga araw na ito- kung saAn walA na namang laman ang akiNg mga buLsa..ang aking mga buLsang butas na butAs na..waLa na ngaNg chaRger sa MP ksi sira, waLa pang pera...haAAaayyy..

NakaKalungkot ang buhAy..plaGi na LaNg ganito..sa minalAs-malas ko nga naMan ngayon..nasira rin paTi headset q sa phonE kaya hindi ko mapapakinggaN ang mga bagOng kanta ngayOn ni DJ cAthy sa ROCK SHOw tuwing alAs 4 ng hapOn sa GREYhoundz 101..(FU,bayaran n'yo ang promo ko..hehe..)ang lungkot2..nakakabagot..dagdagan mo pah ng lagnat na hindi mo maintindihan..oo,siguradong hindi mo maiintindihan dahil ko rin maintindihan kung bakit pabalik-balik na lang ang lagnat kong 'to..

Sabi ni kalAnsay na may-ari ng blogsite na 'aLipin ng kahiraPan' o nakikilala ng marami bilaNg 'mavs', mayrOOn daw akong 'hypochondria'..(tama ba ang speLLIng, kalanSay?)ito raw ay isang feELing na feeLing mo masama ang fEELing mo,pero feeLing mo lang 'y0n..kya ang dapat monG gawin ay huwag i-feel na feeL mong magkakasakit kah para hindi mo m-feeL na may bad feeLing kah...pero,nararamdamn ko ng buong puso at buong katawan na this time, pabalik-balik taLaga ang magaling na lagnat na'to at pinanahihirapan n'ya ako..sabayan pa ng ubo'ng parang sirang plakang paulit-ulit,ang sakit sa lalamunan..dios ko..kung hindi lang ako mabait, iisipin ko talagang pinarurusahan na ako ng diyos..(sorry poh LOrd,hindi ko na aawayin si kalaNsay,pwamiz!)..hahaaay..ang lungkot ng buhay..ang ginaw ng opiz..ang boring ng layp..awww?..

May lagnat lang talaga siguro ako..hahaaaay..

//_-- so sick..

saGot ky kaLansaY!//_^..

2008-11-22T17:38:00.000-08:00

(bow)
PRESENTINGGGGGGGGggggg..

anG aWard na pnaghiraPan qNg nakawin!ashishI..

CUTE BLOGGER's AWARD

Eto daw ang rules:

1. Each blogger must post these rules.
2. Each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.
3. Bloggers that are tagged, need to write ten facts about themselves. You need to choose ten people to tag and list their names.

1. adik!(sa kapE,tsokolAte,ulan at musikA)//_^
2. "friend" twag q sa naNay q ksi best of friends kmi..xmpRe,s0 gOssip girL!(nanay din xa ng lahat ng pWendz q)..
3. poWer ranGer aq..(kSaMa ang may-ari ng The Die-ary,thE lost girL in spAce at ni ExtaOrdinary noRieL..spIder mamAw na man ang Alipin ng Kahirapan..aWwtz..peAce)
4. ayAw na dw mg-sOftdrinks perO inom ng inOm pa rin (eh sa masarap eh..asHishi..)
5. miyembro ng Kapisanan ng mga Mass Communicators sa Daro..(MassCommunicatorsSociety btaw)hehe..
6. palAging lost especiallY when my music's on(presIdent ng Lost SouL's Incorporated -LSI-p-recruit na keU//_^)
7. recentLy, naa-adik sa EscapetheFate,emo band at Faber Drive na pop-puNksters..pati na rin sa FM sTatic at sa kanilang 'MOment of TrutH'..(chEdeeeng!nOSebLeeds..hehe..)
8.tamAd akOng mag-bLog..cHuri..minsan pinipiliT pa ni kUya j. (i-mi-nakE over na at lahAt2 ang headeR,2Log p rin ang bLogger..awwtz..pcnxa na pOh, anghEL lng)..
9. i'm dyinG to buy a new 'VANS','yung skatEr shoEs na pink at bLack sa poRtaL..huhu..('penGe ng peRa pOh)..:'(
10. TAMAD.ashisHi.. peRo nagsusumikaP..(cHedeeng!)

//_^

PS:to ALIPIN ng KAHIRAPAN!
-kalAnsay, masyado mo akong pinahrapan sa pgkuha ng awArd ko..saNa'y pna-LBC mo na LaNg..asHishi..gayUnpaman, saLAmat ng maraMi at maLIgayang kaaRawaN sa kapitbahAy ninyO!..

//_^..

(BOW)..

and now, i'm passIng this tag to:

baBy ren,gian,kUya junrELL,arYan ross,ttA cathy,babY paUL,friend caroline,prIncess jatminE,dOra,dAdudz norieL..tEncHu!..

mY secrET angeL..-o-

2008-11-22T16:33:00.000-08:00

(bow)

gone were the days when we wake up early in the morning and sip coffee outside the TN office. gone were the days when we giggle because of crushes passing by the Balay sa Alumni. gone were the days when she used to drag me from the university gate to Jollibee-northrOad just so she could sEE her crush. well, she always hardly recover when we see that guy and it will always come to a point where i get bruises because of her dragging and she goes wild..hehe.. (serious!sweAr!)sorry na gUd riz..tnuoD bya..sa una ba..hehe..

anYway, i miss this dear friend of mine. she used to be my confidant,my close friend, my sister. when she was still with us, days are always 'funny' and memorable. i wouldn't forget how she turns a dull moment into something worth remembering. Riza is now in Cebu and i miss her a lot,alah na q k-baTch sa mga writers eh.huhu..

when i cry, she cries. when i laugh, she does the same. when we see 'them' pass by, we giggle and share small funny talks. i miss doing these things with her- the coffee outside the pub office , the long walks from school to downtown, the french fries in Jollibee-northroad every end of the month,the "Mr. pYLon" fever, the "boomtaratTarat" she usually does with jOeL, the emote moments with her and kuya junreLL (of course, the original ogre and dwarves from the FeatuRes depaRtment..missinG it a lot :( ), the "video here,video there" with kuya junreLL's phone, the pictorials we do in satUrdays (with our nails re-painted, oh dba?dba?so gossip girl)..hahaaaYy..there are a lot i miss about her,about this friend of mine who will always be my secret angel.

mizz you riZA LaL..//_!..

(bow)

aNg bLog na nanatiLi ng 100 yeArs sa foLder q..//_^

2008-11-16T22:08:00.000-08:00

Windows Media Player
-babaeng apathetic

(bOW)

(“Stars are blind” ng lola niyong si Paris Hilton)…

Fine. Lagi siyang tama. Lahat na lang hindi ko kayang ipagtanggol ‘pag nagtatalo kami lalong-lalo na pagdating sa absolute truth, sa pederalismo ni Pimentel, sa teorya ng conspiracy sa lunar landing, sa kryptonite at kaugnayan nito kay Superman, at siyempre, sa pangalawang pagkakataon.

Genius nga, pero hindi niya inaamin. Ingenious lang daw ang lalaki, walang utak gaya ng dakilang si Einstein pero marunong maghanap ng solusyon sa lahat ng bagay. Ba’t naman kasi ipinanganak siyang romantiko, matalino at pilosopo. Paano niya kaya nalaman na tipo ko ‘yung mga istrangherong gano’n? Paano niya kaya nalaman na ikamamatay ko ang mga kantang binabanggit niyang ipapa-patent para sa ‘kin?

Natatakot lang ako, tsong. Kumusta na man ‘yon kung hindi naman pala talaga siya at akala ko lang? Pero, paano naman ‘yon kung siya naman pala talaga at hindi ko lang maamin sa buwisit na sarili kong ito? Ba’t kasi ngayon pa kung kailan ipinagkalandakan ko na sa buong mundo na mananatili akong nag-iisa sa ngayon? Bakit ngayon pa kung kailan nagsasanay akong maging apathetic? Buhay nga naman oh…mapagbiro madalas.

Ewan ko pero tanda ko pa na magkaklase kami noon. Oo, sa isang asignaturang hindi ko masyadong gusto pero nagustuhan dahil sa guro at sa mga kaklase kong hindi ko pinagsawaang tingnan at ngitian araw- araw. Siyempre, marunong pa akong ngumiti noong nasa ikalawang antas pa lamang ako sa kolehiyo. Hindi pa naman ako masyadong emo noon eh. Ganu’n, wala lang, magkaklase lang kami, nagkasama sa pangkat na palaging nakikitalo sa argumento ng aming mga kaklase. Wala lang, magkasama sa pangkat na kinabibilangan ng itinuturing nilang matitinong estudyante sa literatura (kahit kailan naman ay hindi ‘yon naging totoo, pwamis!). Wala namang nangyari nang naging magkaklase kami, simple lang ang lahat.

Pero, bakit iba na ngayon? Wala naman akong ginawa, sa pagkakaalam ko. Siguro, ‘yun ‘yong dahilan dahil wala akong ginawa, wala akong ginawa para pigilan ang pagtibok ng sensitibo niyang puso. Oo, napakasensitibo na sa bawat malungkot na istorya ng buhay sa show ni Willie, pumapatak ang mga luha niyang minsan ay hindi mo malaman kung saan galing, kasi ‘di mo aakalaing marunong palang umiyak ang isang tulad niya. Sa likod ng matabang pangangatawan at kung minsa’y nakakairitang halakhak na galing sa maingay niyang bunganga, ‘di mo masasabing apektado siya sa bawat kwento ng buhay. Ang henyo nga naman, ngayon, napatunayan ko nang weirdo talaga.

Hindi ko na alam ang susunod, tsong. Kalaban ko kasi sa pagkalitong ito ang sarili ko. Minsan sa buhay ko, may nangakong iibigin ako habang buhay. Naniwala naman ang lokang ‘to. Siyempre, ikaw ba naman ang iyakan sa harap ng mismong barkada mo, ‘di ka maniniwala? Manhid ka na siguro sa lahat ng emosyon kung ganito ka, o hindi naman kaya’y ‘ni minsan, ‘di ka umibig.

Alam ko naman kung paano tumibok ang puso kaya nagpakalunod ako sa pakiramdam na ‘yon. At nalunod nga ako, hindi na nga ako nakahinga pagkatapos n’un, eh.

Ikaw kaya ang dalhin sa kalagitnaan ng 10-feet pool at iwan bigla? Alam niya na hindi mo kayang tumayo sa gitna ng pool na ‘yun nang mag-isa at alam mo rin sa sarili mo na hindi ka marunong lumangoy. Ano pa nga bang maaasahan mo? Siyempre, kamatayan. Kamatayan ng lahat ng ‘yong mga binuong pangarap n’ung nasa gilid ka lang ng pool na ‘yon, kamatayan ng lahat ng mga taong binibigyan ka ng halaga, kamatayan ng masayahin at buhay mong sarili.

Mabuti na lang nu’ng nalulunod na ako, may nakita akong liwanag. Naaalala niyo ‘ung isang scene sa TRIP? Y’ung scene kung saan na-aksidente si Jericho Rosales? May nakita siyang liwanag habang papalubog sa baha ang kotse niya. Utos ng direktor, sundan niya ‘yong liwanag at ginawa niya. Utos sa akin ng DIREKTOR, sundan ko ‘yong liwanag at ginawa ko.

At nabuhay na naman ang apatetikang ‘to. Hindi pa pala ako pwedeng malunod, hindi ko pa nakukuha ang transcript ko sa opisina ni Cadapan at ‘di ko pa nasusunog ang opisina ng dean ng AS. Isa pa, ‘di pa kami nagkikita uli ng lalaking nagdala sa ‘kin sa kalagitnaan ng pool. Kaya, ‘di pa ko pwedeng mag- out of this world.

Pero, problema na naman. Para kasing papalapit na naman ako sa pool na ‘yun. Hindi pala, hindi lang yata pool, parang pacific ocean na yata. Lagot, tsong. Takot pa naman ako sa dagat, tsk…tsk…tsk… Kasi naman eh…

Bakit ngayon pa kung kailan ayoko munang mag-cruise? Nakakalungkot naman. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Nalilito ako.

Sabi niya, kaya niyang maghintay, hindi nga lang hanggang habang buhay. Eh, paano naman ako? Hindi ko nga alam kung kailan ako mag-dedesisyon. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano talagang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

Gusto ko ‘yong taong ‘yon. Pero, magkaiba naman ang gusto at pag-ibig, di ba?

Ba’t ngayon parang hindi ko yata mapuna kung ano ang pagkakaiba ng dalawa? Kasalanan siguro ng kantang “Officially Missing You” ni Tamia na siyang tugtog ngayon sa windows media player.

PS:
expirEd na ni nga istOry so, d na bLa mangutAna..asHishi..(pausOng tawA)..

(BOW)..

am i?iam..

2008-11-16T21:57:00.000-08:00

Am I still not over you? Over us?

I should and I know that. But, why can’t I completely let you go?

This is so stupid of me- to still give you that piece after everything you’ve done. I hate you, you should know that and you should never forget that. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. And I should hate you for all these. You broke every word you said and I used to believe that I’m done with my pains with you. I used to think that with this new love, I would never stare back at you again.

I shouldn’t be staring back, even though I can see that you’re sad and you need a hand. No. I shouldn’t, I couldn’t. You have been hurting me since the day you left and slapped my face with the hurt of your betrayal. You chose her over me and I don’t mean to be hurt so bad. You tore every piece of my being and I can’t forget it. I’ve forgiven you, but the way you lied to me? I could never forget.

I used to think I’m ready to face you after all, but, I guess the scar hasn’t completely healed. When I tried to touch it once, it bled again, a little. Healing takes time and in my case, I guess, it would take years.

I found him now and you ought to know. He takes good care of me, much better than the way you did before. He loves me the tenderest way he can. He gives me songs I can cry and smile with him whenever we plug our earphones on. He loves me, much more than you loved me.

But you also need to know; I still smile and cry when I remember you. I loved you once, I do not want to love you again.

I am over us.

Am I?

naaDik na pUd..//_-

2008-11-09T23:18:00.001-08:00

aGuhuuy..naA na pUd..naA na juD pud..whitE ink na pUd..k-one miLLion times na..//_-..

aHa kah?..gbuLong q nimO..

tongue tied by faber drive//_-

2008-11-09T07:49:00.000-08:00

//_-
Bright cold silver moon
Tonight alone in my room
You were here just yesterday
Slight turn of a head
Eyes fell when you said
I guess i need my life to change
Seems like something’s just not the same
What could I say

CHORUS:
I need a little more luck then a little bit
Cuz everytime i get stuck the words won’t fit
And everytime that i try I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by
I need a little more help then a little bit
Like the perfect one word no one’s heard yet
Cuz everytime I try to get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by this time

VERSE:
I stare up at the stars
I wonder just where you are
You feel a million miles away
Was it something i said
Or something i never did
Or was i always in the way
Can someone tell me what to say
To just make you stay

----------

naiiyAk ako sa kantang 'to..ewan q bah..masyado lang yata akong tama sa whiTe ink ngaYon at masyadong naaapektohan ng mga pweNdz kong naa-addict na sa bLogsites nila(kaya heto, nagbo-bLog na rin aq kunwari kahit waLA namang kwenta ang lamn ng mga naisusuLat at napa-tagaLOg bigLa ksi nagtataGaLog siLang lahAt eh)..haaaYyy..

medyO natutuYO na namAN ang dati ko nang tUyOng uta..awwTz..uTak nga baH?//_-

friEnds pa rin ha?

2008-11-09T07:23:00.000-08:00

ayOKong mag-eMOte dahiL hindi aq eMOtera..awwwTz..

sabi ni kUya, baka bumaLik ka na raw this week.totoo bah?totoo nga bang uuwi ka na? well, if that's true, i'm gLAd you'll be back.//_^..

the truth is, i'm happy finding out that you'll be home days from now, 'di ko nga lang talaga alam kung kailan- ayaw naman kasi sabihin ni kuya kung kailan ka talaga uuwi eh. nwei, mabuti na rin 'yon nang medjo m-surpresa naman kami 'pag dumating ka na dala2 ang mga pasalubong namin (asHishi..ang kaPaL!)..kumusta ka na nga ba?mdJo matagaL na ksi kitang 'di talaga nakumusta eh. gustuhin ko mang malaman lahat ng "bago" sa buhay mo ngayon (gaya ng dati), parang 'di ko na kayang gawin. why?it's because i don't want to hear your mga pag-i-emotes sa life. hindi sa wala na akong pakialam sa'yo, it's because alam kong malulungkot lang ako 'pag sinabi mong hindi ka masaya (alam mo na kung ano'Ng ibig kong sabihin)..haAaay..aLAm mo?gusto ko namn talaga na bumalik tayo sa dati eh- 'yung tipong hingahan kita ng mga hinanakit ko sa buhay, lalong-laLo na sa waLAng kwenta qng laBLayp noon..'yung mga lakad natin na kasama sina kuya, hindi nahihiya sa isa't-isa- alam kong medyo may mga pagbabago na magaganap 'pag muli tayong nagkita. pero, huwag kang mag-alala, n-miss kita kaya hindi ako mahihiyang yakapin ka 'pag nagkita tayo (pakapalan na ng jamoks toh!pcnxa na)..

may isaNg hiLing lang sana akO sa'yo- 'yun ay, 'pag nagkita na tayo, sana gaya pa rin ng dati. sana friends pa rin tayo to the highest level, gaya NOON.//_-

ang POST na walAng kwenta at 'di dpAt basahin

2008-11-07T16:53:00.000-08:00

heLLO..(bow)

pAcenxa na poh at waLAng kalaman-laman ang bLOgsite na ito..Grade TWO pa poh aq at hindi pa marunoNg magsuLat ng mga bagay na may kabuluhan..//_^pcenxa2..

ipagpatawad ninyo pero hindi ko talaga alam kung anO ang isusulat dito.hayaan ninyo't sa susunod ay pag-iisipan ko na at paghahandaan ang isusulat dito.sa ngayon, walang lamAn ang akiNG utak kundi kApe at REd Jumpsuit Apparatus..//_^

alam ko pong walang kwenta ang post na ito kayA taTApusin ko na.//_^

whEn you cry..

2008-11-07T16:23:00.000-08:00

Now playing...
"When it rains"
by Paramore

It's because your tear is my happiness.

HEy, I'm sorry to be so selfish, i just love it when you cry. It's because you make me feel cold and it makes me see the beauty around me. When you cry, i realize how wonderful the world should have been if only my siblings know how to take good care of her. When you sob, i could feel that somebody's heart is breaking and that someone has packed his bag and left. When he's holding my hand and you start to cry, those days are the most beautiful days of my life. I know you think i'm so mean, but i'm happy when you cry. i really am...

//_^..

faberdrive/silverstein//_-

2008-10-28T12:04:00.000-07:00

When I’m With You
By Faber Drive

Saw you walk into the room
Thought I'd try to talk to you
Babe am I ever glad you wanted me too
It's been two years to the day
Half the time I've been away
I know I'm not there enough but that's gonna change
Cause I'm coming back
To show you that I'm keep the promise I made
When I'm with you I'll make every second count
Cause I miss you
Whenever you're not around
When I kiss you
I still get butterflies years from now
I'll make every second count when I'm with you
Yeah we've had our ups and down
But we've always worked them out
Babe am I ever glad we've got this far now
Still I'm lying here tonight
Wishing I was by your side
Cause when I'm not there enough
Nothing feels right
So I'm coming back to show you that
I'll love you the rest of my life
When I'm with you
I'll make every second count
Cause I miss you
When ever you're not around
When I kiss you I still get butterflies years from now
I'll make every second count
When I'm with you
Whatever it takes I'm not gonna break the promise I made
When I'm with you
I'll make every second count
Cause I miss you

My Heroine by Silverstein
The drugs begin to peak
A smile of joy arrives in me
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer
You won't try to save me!
You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate!
You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.
I can't forget, the times that I was
Lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine!
You won't leave me alone!
Chisel my heart out of stone, I give in everytime.
You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had
I can't forget, the times that I was
Lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself. (myself)
I bet you believe, that I'm better off with you than someone else.
Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes surreal.
But under your covers more torture than pleasure
And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter
Not now or forever will I ever change you
I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.
I can't forget, the times when I was
Lost and depressed form the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine!
I will save myself!

Wait not.

2008-10-28T11:59:00.001-07:00

It has been years and counting.

Yes. It has been two years now since the two University of the Philippines (UP) students have allegedly been held captive and tortured by soldiers from the 24th Infantry Batallion of the Philippine Army. It is two months now since UP-Baguio graduate and founding member of the Cordillera People’s Alliance (CPA), James Balao has been missing with his black jacket and yellow traveling bag. It is almost a month now since the former editor-in-chief of Velez College’s student publication and vice president for Visayas of the College Editors Guild of the Philippines (CEGP), Rachelle Mae Palang has been found dead in an encounter between the army and the New People’s Army in Dauin.

One of these days, we would not be surprised if another activist or another “suspected enemy of the state” is shot dead or held captive for violations and never to be seen again. There are no exemptions, whether you are rich or poor, famous or not. This is not to say that everyone who goes against the government or its laws is killed right away. This is to say that these extrajudicial killings and forced disappearances impose injustice in this country and oppress human rights, which, is not fair. Abductions and killings have been the trend─ one rally in the street and the next day, you’re covered with newspaper sheets, blood has came out either from your head or from your chest.

The Philippines has been to ups and downs, in economy, in peace and order and in almost all the aspects of its existence as a democratic country. Democracy has taught people to be vigilant and vocal, as well. But, is living under a democratic system of government enough to let these killings pass? Enough to let these cases of enforced disappearances represent injustice in the society? Is being vocal with an opinion about one thing or another justifiable of the death that the lawless people sentence to one?

NO.

The killings must be stopped, the abducted must be returned. Those detained with no reasonable cause must be heard and released; those who were forced to disappear must be found unharmed.

It is one’s right to express his point of view on something. He is free to do what he wants for as long as he is not stepping badly on other people’s toes. It is one’s right to go against something if he thinks it is wrong and it is his prerogative to explain the things he say or do. It is a good thing if self-expression is not a right because in one way or another, our people would not march on the streets to look for their missing loved ones and beg for justice from the highest courts. If it is not, then “they” have all the reasons to shut “them” up. But, self- expression is a right; therefore, no one is allowed to oppress someone because he said something against you and your awful doings.

Like Karen Empeño and Sherlyn Cadapan who were both UP student activists before they were kept, many other individuals are still found missing because of abductions, detentions and extrajudicial killings. Forced disappearances seem to be the most popular way of physical and emotional torture nowadays. James Balao who is an active political advocate for the ancestral domains in Cordillera was also abducted. Many are already on the list and only a few were given justice.

You have the right to be vocal but you must also remember that we only have the right to be vocal if we say what is honest and true. Hence, we should act towards giving justice to the oppressed by starting with ourselves. If you have something good and true to say, then say it and don’t be afraid. We should be vigilant about these injustices for we never know who’s next.

Wait not for another Karen or Sherlyn, wait not for another James.