lost//_-

I’ve been lost and I think I still am.

For months now, I’ve been trying my best to find that “something” missing in me. I’m complete in your eyes, physically healthy and emotionally stable- I guess. For months now, I’ve been trying to find where I really am to fit. I ain’t good in writing and everyone knows that I’m a great procrastinator- the type you never wanted to be your assignment partner because I’d be more tempted to stay in bed than to jot down the questions for our group works.

I’m not ashamed to admit these things because it’s true and I’d be more willing to accept if you add to these negativities I’m telling about myself (at its best, I know you notice me). I’ve been struggling to find my purpose (aside from being a “dakilang emotera” kuno) in this place. I know I got my family; I got my friends who will always be appreciative of whoever I am and whatever I might become. But, in the deepest recesses of my entity, I am nothing, nothing, and a whole damn of nothingness. I couldn’t find who I really am, except for the fact that I am this girl who walks to school with her earplugs on and head bowed down, this girl who keeps acquaintances by smiling at them even if she doesn’t know their names, this girl who likes to write things on her shoes when she couldn’t tell anyone she’s sad, this girl who messes with her pants by writing the inks on. Yes, this girl who gets her eyes swelling with dew when things go awfully wrong, this girl who has never learned from tardiness, this girl who likes her Vans tattered and unwashed− yes, this girl whom people may know a lot but doesn’t even know herself (it’s just funny to be an alien to oneself).

Up to date, I don’t know what my purpose is in this place. What could be my purpose to other people? Am I of any worth? Because I find myself so lame, so invalid, so disabled. Even the simplest things, I can’t perfectly do and I’m ashamed of myself− ashamed of every piece of my being, not because I do not like what God has made me into, but ashamed because I couldn’t find that self He has let me become. There’s just something I couldn’t do and I couldn’t become. I'll be left here and i don't know until when, until when i'll be lost.

:(