puppet, insomnia na ni!..

(These were all written because I’m having insomnia- I can’t sleep)

It’s 2:05 AM un counting and I got the lamp shade on. My roommates Ritch and Marjorie are sleeping and yeah, I’m awake. My eyes won’t close and I’m excited to take a shower. My back is aching but I don’t want to go to bed because it will only add to the pain. I can’t explain ho this ‘insomnia’ is connected to the bottle of “LIFT” I took four hours ago, but my ‘something’ (don’t know if it’s my brain or my instinct) tells me that this has got something to do with the lemon drink. I was intending to jot down the messages on my inbox so I might be bale to delete those sweet thoughts without forgetting the senders. *sigh* But now, I’m finding myself scribbling about what is happening to me at 3 in the morning.

The lampshade clock says it’s 2:34 AM and I got 3:13 on my phone. I have on the table a pair of scissors; a cup of water I emptied minutes ago; my dilapidated notepad; the cellphone charger; our malfunctioning rice cooker; cords and connectors of the video cam; the press ID my boardmate, Ritch used during our seminar-workshop in journalism; my sisterette Arianne’s Tupperware; the belt bag I borrowed (snatched, actually) from my dad last December; a lighter; and a bread crumb..

While I’m writing these things down, I’m also thinking of things that would lull me to sleep. I don’t know- thinking of sleeping pills but I ain’t had one. This “graduation’ thing on March peeks out of my head, I had always dreamt of wearing the “toga” and the graduation cap- but now that I’m almost at the end, I want to go back to elementary. While many are fussing about their businesses at the Registrar’s Office, I just pass by them everyday since January.

‘I don’t feel like being graduated’, I always say that to people. It’s true- I’d always want to go to school, be with my classmates and friends, be with TN, be with the closest treasures I have – be with the people I love most in this university. On March, everything’s going to change. I’ll think of what to do after March 13 and honestly, up to now, I can’t imagine that day coming. *sigh*

What am I going to do outside the university? I ain’t confident of facing the real world for I know it’s harsh there. Call me a coward, for EscapeTheFate’s sake, I know I am. *sigh* I knew it. This is what insomnia brings to me- depression.

Yeah, I’m depressed. Depressed of myself not processing my application for graduation…depressed of myself not planning what to do after March…depressed of myself imagining life (almost everyday life) without seeing them anymore…depressed of myself thinking of not seeing “those” eyes anymore.

There are a lot of things I’m depressed of… and I absolutely got myself on the list. Why am I afraid to leave people behind?to be departed from the people I’m already used to live my life with almost everyday? Why am I afraid to carry “just” my memories of them? Why am I afraid to go out? It’s 3:32 AM and it’s the first time in months that I had the courage to write these kept fears, this kept and heavy sadness *sigh*

I wanted to cry but save me from the eyebags. ='( I’m going to drink another bottle of “LIFT” tomorrow, so by the next day, I could prove that this “puppet” insomnia has got to do with it.


03:36 AM
FEB. 3, '09
*sigh*