"I'LL SCREAM WITH YOU!"

you can't imagine how this hurtS..how torn apart my mind has become..
i need to spare myself from this endless tears..i no longer want to look into the mirror,i'm tired of being strong..do you ever feel so alone?your existence goes unnoticed..yes, i'm talking about myself, i'm not afraid to say i'm tired of impressing you..have you ever rebelled against everything you believed?..this needs to be..for me i need to fix this broken, this broken heart...

one day, rejection will be off my doorstep, and your eyes will be filled with passion that pumps through my veins..and fall from my eyes..
you are my demise..and though it kisses my heart, i am still broken..

//_+..

MINGAW NA Q SA multiply..

JULIEAN:
A baby’s story

I am Julien and this is my life story.


My mom studies in a girl’s school and my dad’s into aircraft thingy. I am never really sure how old mom and dad are now, but I heard Gran shouting “You two 18-year olds! Come back here and feed Juliean!”

Well, they really don’t have enough time for me. I wouldn’t even be able to recognize that Julia is my mom if not for Granny always reminding her to feed her baby called Juliean. I would not be able to recognize my dad (Jerkin) if I never heard Julia call him “stupid”. In one way or another, I suppose that’s how lovers call each other nowadays. I can see it on TV; can hear it even from our neighbor’s mouth when she gets into a fight with her drunkard husband. I wonder, is this how bad the world is?

I was born on July 12th of the year I do not know. I came out of Julia’s womb after fighting the pills she took when I was still seven months old. When Julia drank those pills, it was raining acid inside her tummy and I almost drown. But, I thought: “Mom’s just trying to give me a shower, maybe this is how spa is outside. I love mommy so much.” Julia kept on taking tablets and I kept avoiding them when they started to burn my thin skin. One day, the pills did not only burn my skin, they melt into acids that flowed directly to my eyes. I felt my pupils dilate and the nerves were burning. Still, I thought: “Mommy loves me, she just happened to take the wrong pill, she won’t hurt my eyes for I am her angel.”

While Julia was taking all the seemingly wrong pills, my dad Jerkin is busying himself with other girls and drug sessions. One night, as I lay sleeping in Julia’s womb- so dark and disheartening, Jerkin came to the house and started shouting. Afterwards, both of them were screaming, cursing each other because I was created. Words of hatred and pride and blame- I was awaken in curiosity. “You decided for this, you alone!” Julia screamed. “You decided with me! Don’t give me all the blame,” Jerkin reasoned out.

I tried to go back to sleeping but my dear Julia and Jerkin were so noisy they make me nervous. Until granny woke up or so as I could hear from the walls of Julia’s tummy, “STOP that arguing you two. You’re waking everybody in town. You, Jerkin, go home and grab sleep. You, Juliana, get to bed because your baby needs sleep.”

Granny was my heroine- thanks to her I could now sleep. As she goes out of the room, the breeze coming in from outside the window carries her murmur of disappointment and despair. Granny was so disappointed with her only daughter, Julia, who got unexpectedly pregnant at 16, when she was only starting her Nursing degree. She was in despair of being a mother to a daughter who just cared for her when she needs money, money and nothing else. She was in despair for being a mother who had never predicted of her child to be pregnant at such a young age. She was in total despair of losing the dreams, not for herself but for Julia to the extreme. She was disappointed because she loses her Julia, she doesn’t know her anymore.

Anyway, you may not fully understand why my Granny, Julia, Jerkin and I came to this point. Let me tell you how I came to being. Not of course the scientific explanation of two cells uniting, I’m still in Kindergarten and things like these are supposed to be discussed in elementary.  Well, let me start Julia and Jerkin’s “lOOoove” story.

When Julia entered college, she never had plans to get herself involved in any relationship. She plans to go abroad when she finishes a degree in Nursing and petition granny for migration. Julia was expected to become somebody in college for she was a class valedictorian. Jerkin, on the other hand is a 16-year old spoiled brat who according to Julia, only depends on my governor grandpa.

One day, in a Bio (what do you mean by Bio? I’ve only heard this story from Granny) class, Jerkin was trying to impress the teacher when Julia blocked him from bragging. This started their irritations of each other and you know, irritations always end to attractions. So puppy love. They fell in love and were lured with worldly things. And poof! I was created- born into this world with physical disabilities, came out with the pupils of my eyes dilated, my skin has burn-like traces from the acids Julia was taking way back. When I came out, Julia was again, for the nth time around, cursing my birth.

Julia, my teenage mom, was wishing for my life to end when it hasn’t even really started yet. She couldn’t accept me for being a “monster”. Julia always called me that- a monster.

Jerkin on the other hand, says that I’m the biggest mistake he has ever made. He says that I’m the second dirtiest trash next to Julia. *sigh* my dad’s a jerk, too, I suppose. However, I love him. I love both of them and I’m going to love them forever.

Even if Julia resorted to abortion and even if Jerkin never cared for me, I still am their baby. I am Juliean.

Despite my disabilities, despite the results of my parents’ lust or too much “love” for each other, I still am lucky to be born in this world.

I am Juliean and this is my life story.

='(

Are we ok?

I really wish we are.

No, pray we are rather.

These past few days, we’ve never been together-
never saw each other, even just a glance.

Is something wrong?

We’re ok, you said.

But, I can feel we are not.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just over-reacting with things...
with the coincidences.

I saw you a while ago but,
you were not looking back.

I was about to call you but...

*sigh*


The month’s almost over,
I hope you mind.

//_x

my three-month old cOugh (bow)

Congratulations!
Tama nga siguro ang mahal kong kapatid, wala na akong lungs..perwisyong ubo ‘to..ayaw akong tigilan…grrrrrRrr…

According to my sisterette froglet na may-ari ng site na “princessfroglet.blogspot.com”, wala na raw akong “L”..as in “lungs”. Pero sabi ko, “Hindi ah..nakakahinga pa nga ako eh..kailangan ko lang magpa-overhaul”..aww?hehe..

Kainis na ubo to..parang ayaw akong tigilan, tinigilan ko na naman sana siya ah..*sigh* I had this cough last year, before the founder’s week in November. Nawawala naman siya, paminsa-minsan. There would be times when I’d be happy kasi feel ko wala na akong ubo..haiiizzz..pagkagising ko sa umaga, nandiyan na naman ulit.. uminom na ako ng kalamansi, ng sinecod at kung anu-ano pang gamot..kainis, walang nangyayari, lalo lang lumalala.

Inaamin ko naming pasaway ako-inom nang inom ng malamig kahit pinapagalitan na ng marami. Eh? Mainit eh..hehe..sorry na ha..pinipilit ko namang iwasan ang sparkle at lift, sila lang ang ayaw akong layuan..awww?

*sigh* In all ways, nakaka-djahe na ang ubong ‘to..puppet! naiirita na ‘ko sa’yo, UBO!

Huhu..tigilan mo na akO!

to these rainmates.

Thanks for walking with me.
When it rains, my heart is happy. I feel human- human with all the things around me, human with all the weird things in this world. When it rains, I’m alive. Despite the cold breeze it brings and the heavy drops of water that fall on the rooftops, the rain had always been my bestfriend, my comforter.

When it rains, I know the people who would be there for me all throughout. I’d always love to walk and be with these people who would not stop me from crying and laughing under the thunder, under the lonely, crying sky. When the water pours hard, I can’t help but think of these people- these people who have been with me under the rain. Walking with them under the angry sky, facing the fierce wind with them holding my hand- those were always the happiest days of my life.

Now, before the sky decides to stop its tears from falling, I wanted to thank the people who have walked with me under heaven’s cold but comforting tears.

To this emo guy:

“thanks for the walks, for the songs, for the love and the heart. We might not be together every hour, every minute. We might not be as sweet as the other loving twins at heart. We might not ring each other everytime. I might not know everything about you and you, about me. We might not always stick to each other at the roads like what people expect us to do. But… we both know that we are not that strong to leave each other alone.//_^We both know that when they ask who we are in each other’s lives, the answer is plain. (she is mine, he is mine)We both know that our hearts are each others’ fragile pieces and that it should be well taken care of. We both know that at the end of the day, I would always know where to find you and you would always know where I’m at. And even though they see we’re not like them, worry-free for we both know that it’s still us- that we are still one. You told me once that my reason of walking in the rain is vague; that I chose not a shoulder to cry on but the rain to wash away my tears, instead. But, despite this, you have never forbidden me to walk under it again. This time, we both do and I’m sure, we always would. And when I asked how you’d fell in love, your chinky eyes smiled and then you said: “I saw you walking in the rain one day and i went with you. That’s how it all started”… I wanted you to know that I am a lot thankful because you came, that even before I finished telling you my story, my fall, you already spread your wings and flew with me to the highest sky…//_^ you ought to know: I love the rain because I know I’ll be with you.

To these rainmates:

You know who you are. 

Remember when we never cared of the world around us? When we danced and sang in front of the Admin building and we never cared if they stared? When we were shouting and singing our hearts out because we didn’t have plans to sleep? When we were laughing out loud because we don’t know the lyrics? When we were singing at dawn? I love you guys and you ought to know that you are among those people I couldn’t keep secrets from. You understand why I always ask the heavens to cry, you understand despite my disabilities, my flaws. Though at times we contradict, we still hook with each other. I hope nothing changes soon because I would never find people like you again.

I couldn’t say these things to you in person so, I’m writing it out. (Sorry na gud..sa makabasa ra..most of us btaw naa blog..hehe..kabalo btaw moh nga koug tah ato gapa-ulan,gkanta2,naninda kape..hehe..) I can’t explain why I could not thank you in person..my rainmates? Thank you for the memories. We never know when it will happen again- maybe, days or years from now. Maybe, not anymore. But, this is for sure; you are those people I’d always love to be in the rain with. You make my heart smile.

To this “judge”:

Nan..judge bah moh..hehe..Nada..seriously, I wanted to say that I am very grateful of the opportunities I had with you under the rain (though you always question the use of my hoodies because you bring jackets for me, buluyagon man gud q…//_^) and you are used to that, I suppose.

Thanks for the talks, for the walks, for the laughs. Thanks for being one of my crying shoulders, for being someone who’d cry about my worries when I myself couldn’t drop a tear. When I fall, I know you’d be there to catch me and bring my sanity back.. (ahem..drama au..sorry na gud)..but, these are all true and you can’t stop me from thanking you.

You ought to know that even if I don’t say these things to you when we’re face to face, you’ve been one of a kind- someone I know I could always count on. Despite the changes, know that I’m still the same. I might not keep the promises I’ve made but, mind that I’m here and will always be- with or without the pinkie fingers. //_^

To this tTa cLassmate:

Hi tta cath!..aww? (gihinganlan?..hehe)..

Well, remember when you said that we’re like orphans with no houses and no food to eat? When it’s already 9 in the evening and we’re both wet from walking in the rain? (tripping gud lamang). We were sitting outside the bookstore with the dog shit, the pouring rain and our empty pockets. That was one of the most memorable “rain trips” I had.

Sooner, we won’t see each other anymore so allow me to make some “emotes” here. Well, we’ve known each other for almost four years now and we’ve never changed or so I think. We’re still friends, “power rangers”?hehe.. Thanks for the understanding, the patience, the scolding and everything. Thanks for the “lending”…//_^

This list is not complete yet..to be continued…awww? Emote2 rah sah gud..

puppet, insomnia na ni!..

(These were all written because I’m having insomnia- I can’t sleep)

It’s 2:05 AM un counting and I got the lamp shade on. My roommates Ritch and Marjorie are sleeping and yeah, I’m awake. My eyes won’t close and I’m excited to take a shower. My back is aching but I don’t want to go to bed because it will only add to the pain. I can’t explain ho this ‘insomnia’ is connected to the bottle of “LIFT” I took four hours ago, but my ‘something’ (don’t know if it’s my brain or my instinct) tells me that this has got something to do with the lemon drink. I was intending to jot down the messages on my inbox so I might be bale to delete those sweet thoughts without forgetting the senders. *sigh* But now, I’m finding myself scribbling about what is happening to me at 3 in the morning.

The lampshade clock says it’s 2:34 AM and I got 3:13 on my phone. I have on the table a pair of scissors; a cup of water I emptied minutes ago; my dilapidated notepad; the cellphone charger; our malfunctioning rice cooker; cords and connectors of the video cam; the press ID my boardmate, Ritch used during our seminar-workshop in journalism; my sisterette Arianne’s Tupperware; the belt bag I borrowed (snatched, actually) from my dad last December; a lighter; and a bread crumb..

While I’m writing these things down, I’m also thinking of things that would lull me to sleep. I don’t know- thinking of sleeping pills but I ain’t had one. This “graduation’ thing on March peeks out of my head, I had always dreamt of wearing the “toga” and the graduation cap- but now that I’m almost at the end, I want to go back to elementary. While many are fussing about their businesses at the Registrar’s Office, I just pass by them everyday since January.

‘I don’t feel like being graduated’, I always say that to people. It’s true- I’d always want to go to school, be with my classmates and friends, be with TN, be with the closest treasures I have – be with the people I love most in this university. On March, everything’s going to change. I’ll think of what to do after March 13 and honestly, up to now, I can’t imagine that day coming. *sigh*

What am I going to do outside the university? I ain’t confident of facing the real world for I know it’s harsh there. Call me a coward, for EscapeTheFate’s sake, I know I am. *sigh* I knew it. This is what insomnia brings to me- depression.

Yeah, I’m depressed. Depressed of myself not processing my application for graduation…depressed of myself not planning what to do after March…depressed of myself imagining life (almost everyday life) without seeing them anymore…depressed of myself thinking of not seeing “those” eyes anymore.

There are a lot of things I’m depressed of… and I absolutely got myself on the list. Why am I afraid to leave people behind?to be departed from the people I’m already used to live my life with almost everyday? Why am I afraid to carry “just” my memories of them? Why am I afraid to go out? It’s 3:32 AM and it’s the first time in months that I had the courage to write these kept fears, this kept and heavy sadness *sigh*

I wanted to cry but save me from the eyebags. ='( I’m going to drink another bottle of “LIFT” tomorrow, so by the next day, I could prove that this “puppet” insomnia has got to do with it.


03:36 AM
FEB. 3, '09
*sigh*