I'm angry and sad and bitter.
Yes, really angry and sad and bitter. My uncle just got into prison (I'm not ashamed of it). He was arrested yesterday for malicious mischief, they say "malicious mischief".

It started with a piece of land, a land he tamed for his mother's brother. All these years, he spent time farming and serving his uncle. Just when the relationship between my uncle (our family) and his uncle (his family) began to grow well, the farm began to suffer from crisis. Pests have destroyed the crops and the show was unstoppable. Years later, my uncle was arrested for malicious mischief, for destroying the crops (daw), for killing the only livelihood he had. And who sued him? His uncle who did nothing but watch him plow the fields and earn more from his labor.

He'll be in prison for three months and a half. That means, not being home with his only son for christmas and new year eves, that means not being in the cemetery for my Lolo's birthday, that means having a record of criminal offense.

I'm angry and sad and bitter because of this piece of land. Families kill one another because of this pieces of land and they forget that they are a "family" because of this pieces of land. BS!Destroying your own blood and flesh,I can't take this. I just want to s**** them all! How poor justice could be!

Say I'm biased and all,
but I'M VERY ANGRY AND SAD AND BITTER.
//_-

and sO..

hUh!.

ayOko nang matakot.

Time: 11:22
Location: Armageddon
With: A guitar
Current mode: Inaantok. GUSTONG MATULOG PERO WALANG BAHAY.

Mahirap palang maging matakutin- hindi ka makatulog.aw?

Wala lang. Hindi ako makauwi at makatulog sa bhaus ngayon. Wala kasing tao, eh. They all went to Cebu to attend some gathering (as in, all of them, my landlord and landlady, their children, my boardmates). May event sila sa church and I'm left alone in a boarding house I'm not that comfortable to stay in.

I don't even want to entertain the thought of sleeping alone in our room after what I saw sa window the other week. (eehhhhh..creepy)//_o Now, I'm here..letting the time pass by playing with the PC keys. I wanted to play DOTA but he won't allow me to do so.hehe..I wanted to register for facebook but my interest for registering with the site has died down (tinatamad na naman uli)//_-

*sigh*

Ayoko nang matakot, gusto ko nang matulog. Anong oras na ba?11:33 na....curfew na rin pala..//_-

(na-miss ko rin ang blogosperyo, ngayon lang nakabalik ulit)

//_-

hello!
wala rah..
//_-

Current mode: Uneasy
Current attire: Red, checkered, longsleeves, black skinny jeans, a body bag, black slippers
Current buddy beside me: Arianne and her Ainism
Current state of mind: Semi-lost, nervous, hoping



Ok.I'm back. I fell a sleep weeks ago and haven't got the time to visit the blogosphere. How's everybody around here?

*sigh*

I went to take an exam for a position this morning and I'm still nervous to the bones. Lately, I've been wanting to give up on my current job. There are just factors that are making me want to quit. *sigh* I'm still nervous because the exam results will be released tomorrow and I doubt if I'll pass. I've been wanting the job ever since and now's the only opportunity I have. My parents wanted me to go home and take a rest for a while.*sigh*

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, hoping to qualify for it. I'm going home, I'll sleep.

//_-

//_-

I'm missing the old days..i miss my friends..i miss my family..i miss the old days..//_-

minutes more.days more.

It’s cold and I’m starving.
It’s 15 minutes to 12 Pm and all I want to do is to get out of this “cold” office and eat. I’m done folding the proposals for my prospective clients and I’ve printed the work sheet for the credit bureau. Later this afternoon, I ain’t reporting at 1. I’ll have to tell my boss that I’ll go out field and have my proposals on another manager’s desk (ready to be dumped and denied)*sigh*

I’m starving. I’m starving. I’m starving.

When I got into college four years ago, I came to conditioning myself of not eating breakfast. I only eat lunch and supper. Ironic because breakfast is supposed to be the most important meal of the day- I don’t eat. That’s why I’m starving, really. *sigh*.

I’m starving for food, starving for happiness with my current job, starving for a change in this job’s environment. Maybe the problem’s with me because I can’t understand people here. But, in another way, they are the ones who are teaching me to be “just amateur”, and it pains me.

Tic…
Tac…
Tic…
Tac…

Seven minutes more to go and I’m going out of this “cold” world. Days more to go and I’m going out of this “cold” world. Puppet. I am never going back.//_-

Social Media Strategy

• Use social media to provide an identity to who we are and the product6s or services that we offer.

• We can create relationships using social media with people who might not otherwise know about our products and services or what the company represents.

• Social media makes us real to customers. If you want them, share your personality with them.

• Associate yourselves with peers- maybe reaching to the same market.

• Communicate and provide interaction that customers are looking for.

Blogging

Website Improvement

Press releases

• If there’s news worthy event, it could help!

MARKETING CREATIVE DESIGNS (grantastic designs.com)

1. Network etiquette/e-mail etiquette (B2B- Business 2 business)

a. Growing, evolving behavior model for how to present oneself and represent one’s company when networking online. It is for this group that etiquette plays the most crucial part. The slightest improper behavior online can ruin a good business opportunity.

b. Build relationship with no offense.

2. When sending mail:

a. Fight the urge to be creative. Be simple.

b. Keep it punctual.

c. Watch your tone.

d. Size matters.

e. Use discretion.

• Requesting reciprocal links.

• Asking for free advice.

• Graphic design.

PSYCHOLOGY OF COLOR: Projecting professional image with color.

1. Color emphasis and highlights leads the eye to important points or links.
2. Color identifies recurring themes.
3. Conversely, color can differentiate, such as different colors in pie charts and bar graphs.
4. Color symbolizes and triggers emotions and associations.

COLOR:
• Red- Loss
• Yellow- Important, substantial
• Blue- reliable, corporate
• Green- profit
• Cyan- cool, subdued

CORPORATE IDENTITY

• MARKETING, CORPORATE BRANDING AND CORPORATE IDENTITY MARKETING

**waaAAhh..nosebLeed na q sa mga terms- terms i get to handle and read and think on implementing everyday..//_-

Coin POT!//_^

I went to shop for a coin bank last night. It was a big deal- finding the “perfect” coin bank, really. J Since I was on the goal of having a coin bank that I wouldn’t be able to open until it’s full, I found it hard to decide which to buy. *sigh*

Stalls, stalls and stalls… I went to every stall, window-shopped for the coin bank and found a flower pot. Yes, a flower pot. It was a green flower pot with three holes in the bottom. It caught my attention and the shopping for the “perfect” coin bank turned into shopping for the “perfect” coin pot.

Shopping could sometimes be weird, blissfully weird.

I bought the flower pot instead of the many coin banks displayed on that store. Well, I hope saving would be effective this time. It’s odd to have a flower pot for a coin bank. It’s interesting, though.

I already have coins in my new coin pot, my problem now is, the pot cover. //_^

love and like.

Now I’m here. Now I’m working and it’s different.

I happened to receive a call from a manager yesterday. The voice was obviously busy on the other line. He was looking for “Mimi” and I connected his line to her. When Mimi got the call, he asked if it’s “Jane” on the line. He told Mimi that who he was looking for was Jane and not her. He dropped the line and called my cord again. Then he said:

“Are you Carla? I was looking for Jane, not for Mimi!”

“Sir? You told me you were looking for Mimi and not for Jane.”

“No, I was looking for Jane. Not Mimi.”

“Ok, Sir. If you were indeed looking for Jane and not for Mimi, I’ m sorry for giving you to the wrong line.”

“Sorry, sorry. It’s always sorry! Ok, connect me to Jane.”

“Ok, Sir. Wait for a while.”

I was about to tell him that I am not the receptionist and it’s not my job to answer the phone. He’s not my boss and he does not have any right to treat me that way.
Geez..thank God I’m good to old people (hehe).

It’s really different now. Now that I got my own work, own responsibility, own table, own computer, own boss, own manager, own everything- I ain’t that happy.
 What happened yesterday was another thing that made me unhappy. I don’t know why. Being scolded is ok but being treated unprofessionally does no good at all. Geez...Hate saying these things. Really.

I’m contented. Yes, I am.

But, do you know how it is to love and like?

//_-

//_-

there's blood inside my heart.

there' something bleeding, ain't worth the pain.

confusion strikes...

i'm barely breathing.

//_-

aGain.

Remembering everything, about my world and when you came.
I miss you… but, there’s no point of turning back.
I loved you… but, there’s no use of getting there anymore.
Now, tears fill my eyes- sadness fill my heart in gloom
Because I want you back but I shouldn’t
Because I want you to take care of me but you couldn’t
Because you’ve become yourself and forgot about me
Because I’ve got cuts you couldn’t see
Because I’ve got wounds you couldn’t anymore heal.
Because you brought me all these,
These pains are from you.
Because these tears are for you, these tears- you gave to me.
I’m returning what’s yours now,
And I would not look back.
You don’t seem to find yourself,
You don’t seem to find me.
So now, we’re bidding goodbye.
For the many smiles you shared to me,
For the butterflies that used to live in my stomach,
Thank you.
This time, maybe I should walk in the rain…
…alone.

Goodbye angel.//_-

PUPPET!

Now feeling: *irritation*
Now pouring: *rain*
Now valuing: *respect*
Now mumbling:*ampon*


I’m irritated.

I hate people who don’t know how to respect other people- especially those who do not have any slight respect for girls. What the…puppet*sigh*…

Just minutes ago, I went out of the publication office to use the comfort room. I must have trusted my instincts. There are guys doing the construction thingy somewhere in the campus and they were hanging out near the comfort rooms when I went out. Yes, I must have trusted my instincts- yes, I must have not passed by there, must have not passed by where they were standing. Pero, masyado nang malayo if I’ll pass on the other way, so, wala 'kong choice kundi dumaan sa harap ng mga ‘mamang’ ‘yun. Nakakainis isipin na mukha na silang mga nakakatanda mong kapatid at tatay (no, I actually don’t think they would be compatible to be compared with my father and my brothers. Hindi ako magagawang bastusin ng mga kapatid at tatay ko..sa age comparison lang). Nakakainis isipin na wala ka namang ginagawang masama sa kanila. Nakakainis dahil wala silang magawa sa kanilang mga buhay kundi mangialam sa ibang tao na para bang ngayon lang sila nakakita ng babae. Puppet.Paano kasi, walang pumapansin sa kanila..kainis.(sorry Lord, nakakainis lang talaga)…puppet.

Can’t those people learn how to respect? Why do they have to act like they weren’t taught to respect other people, especially girls? Aren’t they even thinking of the possibility na baka hindi rin i-respeto ng ibang tao ang kanilang mga ina?mga kapatid na babae?mga asawa?mga anak? How selfish of them. I’m sad for them- they did not learn how to respect people. How sad, how bad. Very sad, very bad.

I know I shouldn’t be wasting my time about this, but I just can’t hide how irritated I am with those people. Puppet. I just hate how they treat girls. Puppet. Puppet.I hope it rains. Hard. Endless.

//_- .

aLah lang.

and now, waLA na akong masulatan kasi ubos na'ng papEL q..'yan..p-draw2 pah kasi ng hearts..

alAh lang..
//_6

sakit ai.

sumasakit likod ko..

sumasakit mga paa ko..

sumasakit puso ko..

//_-

imOTicuN.

arthritis.

so..okay..nandito na naman ang arthritis na 'to..fine..kumikirot ang mga binti ko..
cge..sanayin mo ang mga ugat na 'tong mamanhid sa kirot..nakakainis..

bata pah q..

bata..

//_-..

shooting star.//_-

nada.so.sAd. =(



So many times you've hurt me.So many times you've fooled me.But you'll be doing it again.So many times we've spent in.Too many lives we've been in.But you're doing it again.To me the nights have fallen.The lights are on and off again.Is there a chance that you won't die.Won't die, with me tonight?.Like a shooting star to where you are.Are we too late am I too soon?.You'll make it through you've gone too far.Will you ever be my star?.I'm holding on to nothing.No reason worth for living.I'm calling out to you.If it's the only way to keep you.Then I don't want to break you.I'm losing grip again.With you the nights have fallen.The lights are on and off again.Is there a chance that you wont die.Won't die, with me tonight?.Like a shooting star to where you are.Are we too late am I too soon.You'll make it through you've gone too far.Will you ever be my star?.You're a shooting star to where you are.Are we too late am I too soon.You'll make it through you've gone too far.Will you ever be my star?.Will you ever be my star?.You're walking away.I'll be seeing you through a satellite.If you go.Then I'm walking away..

//_-..

CUTE without ‘E’.

You walk down the streets
and no one hears you screaming
Your heart’s been battered
and yet, you’re still smiling
You can’t tell your friends,
they wouldn’t mind
Because even if you talk,
they won’t understand
Now, you chose to be alone
but you hear them yelling
That you are a loner
and you are, but nothing
What would you do now?
Cover your eyes with the melody,
heal yourself from shame
Cry, cry, cry…
You’ve got nothing to do…
You’re alone in this world
and they won’t go back to you
Scream, scream, scream…
You’ve got no chance to be understood
Because you’re a loner
and forever you would
Now, you have nothing
but your music on
Because they left you hanging
all by your own
Bid goodbye to this cruel world loner,
It’s not for you to stand,
but for you to leave.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Where do you run to?"

//_-..

gOOd morning!

i'm awake.

//_^..

edna mae.

And I miss her so much…

Two nights ago, I was acting so childish that I, myself could not believe I acted that way. I don’t care what you will say or how you will react about this but I cried so hard. Yes, I cried so hard that I tried to cover my mouth- trying my best not to let any sound come out from my mouth because I don’t want to wake Yan2 up. Like, hello? It’s near 1 in the morning and I don’t want to disturb people just because I couldn’t sleep and I miss someone so much.

I miss Edna Mae so much.

I miss my friend so much.

I miss Nanay so much.

The feeling came so suddenly that I couldn’t help but cry. So childish, I know. But, do you know that feeling? When you suddenly want to see the person and you can’t do anything? It’s depressing, really. =(

But, I was not able to help it. I was not like that before and I just came home on Easter Sunday. Sometimes, it could really be the connection between us that makes me want to hug her. I wanted her to hug me; I wanted her to hug me while I was crying. I know that when she cradles me in her arms, like a baby, I’d stop crying. I wanted to tell anybody (promise, anybody jud pra mkuhaan ang kmingaw) that time that I miss Nanay so much and that I wanted to see her. I wanted someone to help me see her. (I know, t’was impossible and it’s crazy.)

I texted and she haven’t texted back. I texted again and there was no reply. Thank God, He gave her load yesterday- she gave me a beep and I felt better. Well, not really that better because I still wish to see her and she said she’ll come if she has time- when she’s done with a lot of things in school.

And still, I miss Edna Mae so much.

//_-

i miss my kaduGo..//_-

i miss these crazy beings..
(at Sidlakang Negros- Dawn,Hannah, Arianne,Cathy and Donna)

i miss the way they smile in the camera with me..

(t2 janfiL,norieL,cathY,doNNa,mOmmy behY,greTch and me during our shoot for the shoRt fiLm)

i miss the way we frown..

(an intErview with mR.F..hehe)

i miss the outings we used to have..
(vaLencia)
(valencia)
(eL caminO)
(zamboanguitA)


(zamboanguita)


i miss the "kabuang"..

(yanz, cathY, norieL and i..)
(pgka-maRie dawN!)
i miss the overnights at Donna's house..

i miss these moments..
(wiTh dibid!)

(wedding ni norieL and bEa during the CAS day..=))
(an ordinAry schOOl day aftErnoon..pictuRe2)
< wHen pah kya itO mauuuLit?=(

i'm trying my best not to realize this- but hell,"i'm missing you all"..=(

enGagement: So, would you wear the ring?

Now Playing: ‘Mad’ by Ne-Yo

Aw? I remember someone with this song. Someone who’s in the middle of confusion now..hehe..(sorry na gud someone).

I have a friend who is in a labyrinth now. Yes, indeed a labyrinth where she’s trapped in love, friendship and dreams (chax!). She’s got somebody right now who offers her lifetime engagement. As in, LIFETIME partnership. She’s still a college student and she’s confused of what to do. When she accepts the ring, her partner will not anymore allow her to come back here in Dumaguete to continue schooling. He wants that she’d continue to study in their place. When she told me the possibility of being engaged one of these days, I could not help but laugh. She asked what my reaction would be when she tells me she’s engaged. Well, I extended my warmest congratulations. =) (what else can I offer? I was happy thinking of her being engaged).

My congratulation was a bit earlier though. She said that the engagement was just a possibility and that; she’s still confused of what to do. According to her, she really wanted to accept the engagement offered- dying to be engaged actually, but a part of her ‘daw’ wants to come back and continue her studies here and she thinks she’s got direction here than there. Aw? Yah, she said that she loves her friends more than she loves the guy. Now, she doesn’t know what to do.At the on-set, she said that she wants to fix everything in her life here- with no one around to trouble her and influence her decisions.

It indeed is a hard thing to decide on. Love or yourself? Your love or your life’s direction? (haaiiz..bakit kasi iibig-ibig pa, naguguluhan tuloy).. When you choose love, be sure to be ready for anything that goes with it (anything, as in from loosing your friends –depende- to loosing yourself-most of the time). It is because according to many, when you chose to love, the feelings are unexplainable. It could be very painful or could be very useful to you. Love has got lots of reasons for it to be worth fighting for; yet, it also has too many reasons to be forgotten. What if you get hurt? What if he/she leaves you in the middle of everything? What if he/she fails you when you already had given up everything for him/ her? Wouldn’t it be sad to just realize things when you already do not have the power and the capacity to turn everything and everyone back to ‘normal’?

On the contrary, love can also give you everything you ever wanted- security, comfort, name all nice things. Love can give it to you. It can even have people stare in your heart-shaped eyes. Love can also be an advantage. When you’re in loved, they say you can do all the wonderful things. You’d even smile without having the reasons to, because when you are in loved, you don’t recognize pain. Never will you even consider the possibility of pain because you are happy. Happy. Yes, that’s it. Love gives you happiness.

But, what will you do when you’re torn between love and your own point of happiness? Well, I suggest you weigh things. In the end, it is still you who will be facing the consequences and it’s you who will be dealing with them. When confusion reigns over your decisions, I don’t think that would be healthy. You need to give time to yourself- think of the possibilities and never hesitate to ask friends for their opinions. You ask them. In one way or another, asking is not following.=) At least you have opinions to think over while weighing things and possibilities.

Think, think, think. There’s nothing wrong with thinking anyway. In the end, it’s you who will decide what to do with your life. People are just there to help you out and design the events in your worldly existence.

Someone, think. So, there's the ring. Would you wear it?

//_^

aww?..far-out ning pagk-post..g-yawyaw..hehe..sorry na gud..

i want them.. =(

These are NUN dolls I have seen on the internet (http://www.catholichomeandgarden.com/nun_dolls.htm#GALLERY). They are real, beautiful dolls and I want to have some of them for my own. Too bad, I still don’t have the dada to buy one… = (





















They're cute, aren't they?

//_^..

a religious sister..//_-

Ang pagiging madre ba ay talagang mahirap? Mahirap kayang magdasal buong araw sa loob ng monasteryo kasama ang kapwa madre? Mahirap ba talaga ang buhay na wala ka nang iintindihin kundi ang pagsilbihan Siya ng buo mong pagkatao (like your whole life, whole heart, whole time)? Is being a religious sister really that hard? Wala lang…just a thought.

Just the other day, I and a friend went to church. We were talking about praying, “dagkot” and those kind of stuffs when she suddenly pointed a woman to me. She said that the woman is an old maid who goes to church everyday- praying, staying there for hours. She told me that the woman was her auntie’s (who is a religious sister in Spain for more than ten years now) acquaintance. According to Caroline, her auntie told her that the woman wanted to be a religious sister, but because she’s already old, she can’t anymore have her papers processed.

I was staring at the woman- her face could pass for a nun, so innocent-looking with her age. The wrinkles on her face showed no sign of discontentment, but only of pure aging. I don’t know the woman but, in my own view of her physique, she could well pass for a nun. If only she had not been old enough to enter the convent. If only she had figured out that she doesn’t have plans of marrying, then she could have been in the convent by now- praying, facing her everyday life with the contentment of eternal service, having her head bald after saying the ‘solemn vows’.

Here’s an article from the net about how a woman becomes a religious sister:

“When a woman enters a convent she first undergoes an initial period of testing the life, known as postulancy, for a period of six months to a year. If she, and the order, determines that she may have a vocation to the life, she receives the habit of the order (usually with some modification to distinguish her from professed nuns) and undertakes the novitiate, a period (that lasts one to two years) of living the life of a nun without yet taking vows. Upon completion of this period she may take her initial, temporary vows. Temporary vows last one to three years, typically, and will be professed for not less than three years and not more than six. Finally, she will petition to make her "perpetual profession", taking permanent, solemn vows”.

I have been thinking of how hard it is to be a religious sister. I am wondering of the life they have in the cloister. What do they do when they are there? Are they just praying the whole day? What do they eat? Are they allowed to use the telephone? The computers? Are they allowed to see their families? Are their lives still as normal as our lives? (aw?sorry na gud sisters).

These religious sisters have made the years in the convents. They have spent life without seeing half of the world. They have stayed inside their monasteries without seeing the people they have been used to seeing everyday of their "ordinary" lives. I think that the life that a religious sister has is very challenging. Not only because she is prohibited to things that people outside the convents are in to, but also because when a woman decides to enter the monastery, her faith is tested. I say that a woman who chooses to answer their calling of becoming a religious sister is brave- braver than any other woman in this material world.

There are only a few who devotes their whole life serving the Lord. There are only a few who could stand life inside the convent. There are only a few who could bravely enter the convents without- of course, turning back.

Well, just a thought...
Can I?..

//_-..


_______________________________________________________________________________________

NOTES:

"A Nun is a woman who has taken special vows committing her to a religious life.[1] She may be an ascetic who voluntarily chooses to leave mainstream society and live her life in prayer and contemplation in a monastery or convent. The term "nun" is applicable to Roman Catholics, Eastern Christians, Anglicans, Lutherans, Jains, Buddhists, and Taoists, for example. While in common usage the terms nun and sister are often used interchangeably, properly speaking a nun is a female religious who lives a contemplative life of prayer and meditation within a monastery while a sister (in the Christian religions) lives an active vocation of service to the needy, sick, poor, and uneducated."

"Nuns properly so-called have solemn vows with a strict enclosure, regulated by pontifical law which prevents the religious from going out (except in very rare cases, approved by the regular superior and the bishop), and also the entrance of strangers, even females, under pain of excommunication. Even admission to the grated parlor is not free, and interviews with regulars are subject to stringent rules. Though some mitigations have been introduced partly by local usage, partly (in the case ofcertain convents in America) by express concession of the Holy See. The building should be so arranged that the inner courts and gardens cannot be overlooked from outside, and the windows should not open on the public road".

______________________________________________________________________________________

"Hard siguro talaga maging madre".//_-

think.weigh.think.

//_-

uuwi na naman..

uuwi na naman ako..haiiiz...

//_-

EMERy.

All I want is to feel this way, to be this close, to feel the same- that if he speaks, the feeling stays. Nothing’s so loud. The truth is not kind and you said, neither am I…but the air outside so soft- it’s confusing everything…everything…nothing’s so cold…it’s closing the heart when all we mean is to feed the soul. But we wouldn’t be that brave, I know. And it won’t matter now, whatever happens to me. It won’t trouble me.

But, I’m happy for you. I wish nothing but the best for you both.

She thinks she missed the train tomorrow; she’s out back counting stars. Promise me, you will be there until the red light would change. Promise me, you will stare until the darkness will fade…I’d wait for you. A mistake and I’m all on my own by myself…I’d wait for you…

So, tears drop in my eyes…tonight, you are everything. You’re everything to me. No more as I wake from this perfect dream, I cannot live this life. And to think that you will not be scared or surprised, I’ve suffered all this time. This is the end. I feel so numb to see this bitter end. It has come to be one last kiss, look at me as well. This is the end. I’ve lost myself in my quest for tonight. How we’ve come this far…

Can’t you see that I wanna’ be there with open arms? It’s empty tonight and I’m all alone…get me thru this one. Do you notice? I’m gone. Where do you run to? So far away… I want you to know that, I miss you…I miss you so. I’m writing again this letters to you, on how much I know. But, I’m not sleeping and you’re not here- that stabs my heart. You can say I knew it all along.

- tHis is the resUlt of compiling lyrics from sOngs na pinakinggan ngUnit hindi naman tinaTapos..asHishi.

//_-.

bYe emery.

"I'LL SCREAM WITH YOU!"

you can't imagine how this hurtS..how torn apart my mind has become..
i need to spare myself from this endless tears..i no longer want to look into the mirror,i'm tired of being strong..do you ever feel so alone?your existence goes unnoticed..yes, i'm talking about myself, i'm not afraid to say i'm tired of impressing you..have you ever rebelled against everything you believed?..this needs to be..for me i need to fix this broken, this broken heart...

one day, rejection will be off my doorstep, and your eyes will be filled with passion that pumps through my veins..and fall from my eyes..
you are my demise..and though it kisses my heart, i am still broken..

//_+..

MINGAW NA Q SA multiply..

JULIEAN:
A baby’s story

I am Julien and this is my life story.


My mom studies in a girl’s school and my dad’s into aircraft thingy. I am never really sure how old mom and dad are now, but I heard Gran shouting “You two 18-year olds! Come back here and feed Juliean!”

Well, they really don’t have enough time for me. I wouldn’t even be able to recognize that Julia is my mom if not for Granny always reminding her to feed her baby called Juliean. I would not be able to recognize my dad (Jerkin) if I never heard Julia call him “stupid”. In one way or another, I suppose that’s how lovers call each other nowadays. I can see it on TV; can hear it even from our neighbor’s mouth when she gets into a fight with her drunkard husband. I wonder, is this how bad the world is?

I was born on July 12th of the year I do not know. I came out of Julia’s womb after fighting the pills she took when I was still seven months old. When Julia drank those pills, it was raining acid inside her tummy and I almost drown. But, I thought: “Mom’s just trying to give me a shower, maybe this is how spa is outside. I love mommy so much.” Julia kept on taking tablets and I kept avoiding them when they started to burn my thin skin. One day, the pills did not only burn my skin, they melt into acids that flowed directly to my eyes. I felt my pupils dilate and the nerves were burning. Still, I thought: “Mommy loves me, she just happened to take the wrong pill, she won’t hurt my eyes for I am her angel.”

While Julia was taking all the seemingly wrong pills, my dad Jerkin is busying himself with other girls and drug sessions. One night, as I lay sleeping in Julia’s womb- so dark and disheartening, Jerkin came to the house and started shouting. Afterwards, both of them were screaming, cursing each other because I was created. Words of hatred and pride and blame- I was awaken in curiosity. “You decided for this, you alone!” Julia screamed. “You decided with me! Don’t give me all the blame,” Jerkin reasoned out.

I tried to go back to sleeping but my dear Julia and Jerkin were so noisy they make me nervous. Until granny woke up or so as I could hear from the walls of Julia’s tummy, “STOP that arguing you two. You’re waking everybody in town. You, Jerkin, go home and grab sleep. You, Juliana, get to bed because your baby needs sleep.”

Granny was my heroine- thanks to her I could now sleep. As she goes out of the room, the breeze coming in from outside the window carries her murmur of disappointment and despair. Granny was so disappointed with her only daughter, Julia, who got unexpectedly pregnant at 16, when she was only starting her Nursing degree. She was in despair of being a mother to a daughter who just cared for her when she needs money, money and nothing else. She was in despair for being a mother who had never predicted of her child to be pregnant at such a young age. She was in total despair of losing the dreams, not for herself but for Julia to the extreme. She was disappointed because she loses her Julia, she doesn’t know her anymore.

Anyway, you may not fully understand why my Granny, Julia, Jerkin and I came to this point. Let me tell you how I came to being. Not of course the scientific explanation of two cells uniting, I’m still in Kindergarten and things like these are supposed to be discussed in elementary.  Well, let me start Julia and Jerkin’s “lOOoove” story.

When Julia entered college, she never had plans to get herself involved in any relationship. She plans to go abroad when she finishes a degree in Nursing and petition granny for migration. Julia was expected to become somebody in college for she was a class valedictorian. Jerkin, on the other hand is a 16-year old spoiled brat who according to Julia, only depends on my governor grandpa.

One day, in a Bio (what do you mean by Bio? I’ve only heard this story from Granny) class, Jerkin was trying to impress the teacher when Julia blocked him from bragging. This started their irritations of each other and you know, irritations always end to attractions. So puppy love. They fell in love and were lured with worldly things. And poof! I was created- born into this world with physical disabilities, came out with the pupils of my eyes dilated, my skin has burn-like traces from the acids Julia was taking way back. When I came out, Julia was again, for the nth time around, cursing my birth.

Julia, my teenage mom, was wishing for my life to end when it hasn’t even really started yet. She couldn’t accept me for being a “monster”. Julia always called me that- a monster.

Jerkin on the other hand, says that I’m the biggest mistake he has ever made. He says that I’m the second dirtiest trash next to Julia. *sigh* my dad’s a jerk, too, I suppose. However, I love him. I love both of them and I’m going to love them forever.

Even if Julia resorted to abortion and even if Jerkin never cared for me, I still am their baby. I am Juliean.

Despite my disabilities, despite the results of my parents’ lust or too much “love” for each other, I still am lucky to be born in this world.

I am Juliean and this is my life story.

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Are we ok?

I really wish we are.

No, pray we are rather.

These past few days, we’ve never been together-
never saw each other, even just a glance.

Is something wrong?

We’re ok, you said.

But, I can feel we are not.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just over-reacting with things...
with the coincidences.

I saw you a while ago but,
you were not looking back.

I was about to call you but...

*sigh*


The month’s almost over,
I hope you mind.

//_x